BOSTON, MA — In unsurprising news, area Massachusetts resident Thomas “The Goat” Brady is moving to Florida.

Some say Brady’s decision was driven by his selfish pursuit of football championships and money, but really, it’s just because he’s getting too old for shoveling snow. “I’m 43 now,” said Brady, “which is 60 in Football Years, but 80 in Cold Weather Years. It’s just time for me to start a new phase of my life.”

As the most powerful Atlantic storm in recorded history battered the United States mainland, the nation kept Florida in its prayers, but also decided that the state kind of had it coming anyway.

“Hurricane Irma is causing mass destruction to all in its path with winds reaching up to 185 miles per hour,” Sandra Zuckerman of the National Hurricane Center said. “But then again, Florida is also the reason Bush was elected.”

As Florida residents boarded up their homes and stockpiled food, water, and gasoline, the nation debated just how much pity was warranted.

MIAMI, FL -- Recent polling indicates that Flo Rida will likely decide the outcome of the 2016 presidential election. Although Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have visited Flo Rida dozens of times in recent weeks, neither candidate has been able to establish a definitive lead. According to the latest CNN survey, 44 percent of Flo Rida is leaning towards Secretary Clinton, 43 percent is leaning towards Trump, and 13 percent wants “Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur (with the fur).”