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University Relieved It Doesn't Have Women's Football Team

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- In light of the recent revelations surrounding the Harvard men's cross-country and soccer teams' objectification of their female counterparts, the university administration expressed its relief that Harvard doesn't have a women's football team.
 

Broncos Players Thank Teammates, Family, God for Future CTE

Members of the Denver Broncos appeared in a press conference on Sunday evening following their Super Bowl 50 win to express their gratitude to everyone who had supported them until now on their path to the victory and a future diagnosis of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy, or CTE. 

Warden Looking to Build Plucky Team of Inmates Around Aaron Hernandez

Leavenworth, KS--Speaking after the former Patriots tight end was sentenced to life without parole, Leavenworth Penitentiary Warden Claude Maye told sources that he was really looking forward to building a prison yard football team around Hernandez.

“Aaron Hernandez is just the tight end Leavenworth needs to put our team on top,” Maye said. “Now I just need to get a team behind him.”

Qatari Officials Shop for New Soccer Team in Brazil

As part of its campaign to improve its image since the emergence of corruption allegations around the 2022 World Cup, Qatar, currently ranked 100th, is seeking to create a football team that would actually be capable of qualifying for the tournament.

Randy Bullock Wins Close Fantasy Matchup

Randy Bullock, kicker for the Houston Texans, came away with a narrow victory over his frat brother Thad last night in a matchup that boiled down to his final field goal attempt in the dying seconds of the fourth quarter of Sunday Night Football.

Harvard Football Beats, Um, Brown? Did We Play Brown?

Last Saturday Harvard’s football team claimed another win over a team that was probably Brown, possibly Columbia, most likely not Notre Dame.

 The wide receiver caught the ball some number of times, and the linebacker ran with the ball for a good number of minutes. It is also reported that the quarterback threw the ball, giving Harvard a huge advantage over the opposing team.

 Football is a sport.

NFL Draft Dodgers Flee to Canadian Football League

The NFL draft will begin tonight and continue throughout the weekend as teams enlist college athletes to join their ranks. Many American young men will spend the weekend with phone in hand, dreading the possibility of being drafted. One such athlete is Mark McGoverny, a tight end from Oklahoma State projected in most mock drafts to be selected by the Cardinals with the seventh pick, who says, "Have you seen the guys in the NFL? They're huge. I don't want to go out there and get decked for a team I don't believe in. When I was in college, they couldn't draft me.

Football Team Accused of Plagiarizing Star Running Back

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In a shocking twist to Harvard University’s ongoing plagiarism scandal, the Harvard Crimson football team was arraigned of plagiarizing their star running back on Thursday. The formal accusation came from NCAA officials after months of complaints from Macalester College. The small Minnesotan college claims that Harvard has been knowingly using a pound-for-pound copy of Macalester’s starting running back, Jerrick Isaiah Smith, throughout the season.

Man Shows Up to Fantasy Football Draft Dressed as Wizard