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Katy Perry Kept Afloat Only by Freshmen Listening to “The One That Got Away (Acoustic)”

BEVERLY HILLS, CA - Sources close to pop star Katy Perry report that she is staving off bankruptcy solely because lonely college freshmen are listening to the acoustic version of her 2010 hit “The One That Got Away” on repeat.

The Santa Barbara native was once making millions worldwide from her catchy pop-dance ditties and heartfelt ballads. But now she is only able to make ends meet from the residuals she receives as 18-year-olds lament their recently lost high school loves.

Planet Earth III: The Emergence of Ursa Mankiwus on Parents Weekend

Greg Mankiw as a bear
 
The following is a preview of Sir David Attenborough's next BBC nature series, Planet Earth III:
 

Flyby's Guide to Being Crushed By Freshman Year

Don't buy your books new

In fact, don't buy them at all. Instead, rely on Wikipedia, Reddit, and Flyby for information. Alternatively, look into illegal downloads. The more illegal software on your new laptop, the better.

Never eat a meal alone

Make sure to bring your childhood imaginary friend along, and refer to them frequently whenever you have real-life company. Don't worry, soon it will just be you and Ghostie in the corner of Annenberg. 

Go to office hours

Area PAF “Doesn’t Do It for the Stipend”

CAMBRIDGE, MA--Freshman Move-In Day has come and gone, bringing with it a new wave of eager and naïve first-years, as well as a flood of smiling, t-shirt-wearing, sickeningly sweet upperclassman PAFs, high on the power trip that comes with spending a year as faux proctors.

Sectarian Violence Erupts After Freshmen Divided Along Arbitrary Lines

Cambridge, MA--Harvard College has been rocked by sectarian violence in the aftermath of Housing Day, a holy day for many who attend the college. Taking effect next year, a Freshman Dean's Office-Ad Board joint treaty will divide members of the freshman class into more "sustainable" boundaries, letting close ethnic blocking groups share portions of lands surrounding the Yard--the College's shared central region. Some groups feel, however, that they were given less valuable lands for no apparent reason. 

University to Sell Student Names to Donors

As an exciting new part of Harvard’s capital campaign, university administrators announced on Monday that they would allow donors to change the name of any one of the 255 freshmen currently residing in Canaday Hall.

Freshman Survey Part V

Upon receiving an anonymous tip, Satire V staff donned cutting-edge disguise technology to infiltrate the Crimson and find the real scoop. The Crimson does not wish you to see this information, but we at Satire V believe in freedom of information. These are the freshmen. These are their stories.

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