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I Regret to Inform You I Am Not Interested in Your Friendship at This Time

Rejection letter

Dear Sara, 

Thank you for your interest in being my friend. Your earnest requests to “grab lunch” are flattering, and your repeated attempts to get my attention by commenting “YASSS girl” on Instagrams of me in different but virtually undistinguishable black outfits have not gone unnoticed.  

Facebook Tired of Being Used, Wants Real Connection

PALO ALTO, CA -– After passing the 1.5 billion users mark and celebrating a dozen years online in the past few months, Facebook solidified its position as the world’s largest social network. However, the website has begun to feel that its many connections, though notable, are disturbingly superficial.

“It’s like I know people, but I don’t know people,” one server communicated via binary. “I want to understand more than just the image my 'friends' put out on social media.”

Add-Drop Deadline Approaches For Friends Made During Orientation

Several weeks after latching on to FOP tripmates, strangers from Annenberg, and even Facebook Celebrities to satisfy friendship requirements, many freshmen reassess their social circles as this semester’s Friend Add-drop deadline approaches.

 “We just thought it was the right thing to do,” commented Thomas Dingman, “I mean, who wants to end up friends with the random smelly guy who they talked to at convocation?”