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Breaking

and entering

Friendship

Friendship Pecking Order Determined by Narrowing of Sidewalk

Scary sidewalk

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After a harrowing ordeal this past Friday, Timmy R. Simon was devastated to learn that he was the ranked quite low on the friendship pecking order after being forced to walk behind his other four friends as the sidewalk narrowed along Mass Ave.

“One second we were cruising,” Simon recounted, “and then all of a sudden two trash cans and a tree appear out of nowhere. Almost instantaneously I found myself alone as the rest of the dudes fell into perfect square formation.”

Area Friend Remembers that You, Too, Have Finals

two girls sitting in a dorm room
In what has been heralded as exemplary maintenance of an interpersonal relationship, area friend Veronica S. Ware '19 recently realized that you, her best friend and roommate, are also experiencing exams period right now.
 
This moment, in which Ware dipped her toe into the realms of “compassion” and “empathy," arrived after you walked into the room at 2:34 a.m. with your backpack on a Saturday night. Ware asked what you had been up to, and you replied, "Working."
 

Oh God, TED Talk Contains Word Cloud

VANCOUVER - Reports are in that an otherwise interesting TED talk titled “How Friendship Will Transform Democracy” has ceased to relay information about its topic and is currently spending a minute and forty-five seconds on a fucking word cloud.
 

Friend Who Worked with Kids Now Says "I'll Wait"

He's waiting.
CAMBRIDGE, MA  – Leverett House sophomore Nathan A. Dunham '20, who spent the summer teaching Boston-area children, now says "I'll wait" whenever he feels his friends are interrupting him.
 
Dunham was eating dinner Thursday night when his blockmate Jessica P. Menendez '20 suddenly interrupted him. According to witnesses, Dunham adopted a stern countenance, stood up from his seat, and declared, "I'll wait."
 

Modern-Day Mother Teresa Brings More Wine Than She Plans to Drink to BYOB

A modern-day Mother Teresa
LOS GATOS, CA – In a display of human kindness that was inspiring to all who looked on it, area woman and modern-day Mother Teresa Sharon Driscoll brought more alcohol than she personally planned on drinking to a friend's BYOB party.
 
"Drink up, guys!" the paragon of decency and charity announced as she set down a bottle of Chardonnay and a six pack of Woodchuck cider on a table. "There's plenty to go around!"
 

I Regret to Inform You I Am Not Interested in Your Friendship at This Time

Rejection letter

Dear Sara, 

Thank you for your interest in being my friend. Your earnest requests to “grab lunch” are flattering, and your repeated attempts to get my attention by commenting “YASSS girl” on Instagrams of me in different but virtually undistinguishable black outfits have not gone unnoticed.