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Pope Francis to Ask God Whether Headphones Get Tangled in Heaven

THE VATICAN – Today Pope Francis, leader of the Catholic Church, announced that he will consult God on whether headphones get tangled in Heaven.

The Bishop of Rome himself issued a statement to Catholics worldwide in which he said, "For years we, God's children, have been wondering whether our headphones will remain tangled in Heaven. Well, I've been poring over the scripture and thousands of pages of Catholic teachings, and I've found nothing. Total bupkis. I'm going to have to defer to the Man Upstairs on this one."

​TF Receives B+/A- On Judgment Day

ARMAGEDDON -- As Judgment Day has fallen upon Humanity, reports indicate that Gov 20 TF Aaron Granderson has received a B+/A- on his life.
 
"I don't really know how to interpret this," said Granderson. "Was I not good enough for an A-, and the Almighty One threw me a bone? Or was God just trying to take me down notch, because I was starting to get cocky? What does this mean?"
 

God Announces Next Season of Humanity To Be Put On Hiatus

HEAVEN -- In response to months of declining viewership, creative differences, and the general shitshow of human awfulness that has been 2016, Our Heavenly Father announced earlier this morning that the next season of Humanity would be put on hiatus.
 
"I just don't like where this is going right now," God confirmed in an e-mailed statement. "Zika virus? The Syrian refugee crisis? ISIS? I think the seraphs and I just need to regroup and go back to the drawing board. We'll see where we proceed from there."
 

Fulfilling Scriptures, Pumpkin Spice Latte Returns

THE FRAPTURE -- Signaling the End of Days and also the beginning of autumn, today the Pumpkin Spice Latte returned in fulfillment of the scriptures.

"Lo, kneel before your God," said the Pumpkin Spice Latte as it descended from the heavens and landed next to a strip mall Starbucks. Passersby were frozen in their tracks as they took in the awesome sight of the Latte.

God Admits This Universe Was the Control Group

God wearing goggles

THE HEAVENS — Addressing thousands of years of inquiries into the meaning of life and the existence of a higher power, God revealed on Monday that this universe is the control group in a long-term field experiment testing how well humans fare sans Divine Intervention.

God Friendzoned by Earth Resident

HEAVEN – On Friday, God finally worked up the courage to ask a favorite resident of planet Earth to find a place for Him in her heart. After years of pursuit, His efforts were rewarded with a suggestion that they “just be friends.”

God to Release Sequel to New Testament as Series of Concept Albums

Paradise—News from the Big Man Upstairs has descended from the heavens as God, Infallible Creator of Earth, the Universe, and—admittedly—jeggings, has announced that He will release his long-anticipated follow-up to the New Testament as a series of three concept albums.

“I really dig what’s going on in the alternative scene right now,” said God. “I’m just trying to cash in before it’s too late.”

God Still Unsure About 2000-Year-Old Voicemail

Nearly 2000 years later, God is still unsure about a voicemail he received when he entered his office on Easter Sunday, 33 BC.