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Hammonds

Hammonds Confesses to Dogecoin Heist

Cambridge—In an announcement that surprised almost no one, Former Dean Evelynn Hammonds confessed to hijacking Harvard’s Odyssey Cluster supercomputer in order to mine the popular cryptocurrency Dogecoin. Hammonds’ confession, published Tuesday in the Crimson, appeared remorseful, with the former Dean expressing her regret for “shaming my fellow shibes” by misusing academic resources.

After Reading The Crimson's Staff Editorial This Morning, I Have Decided to Resign

A Guest Editorial by Dean Evelynn Hammonds

In my eleven years at Harvard, I have often asked myself: What would The Crimson staff writers do? I looked to them for news, opinions, and even fashion tips, so when The Crimson told me it was time to quit, I knew I just had to trust them.

Since the truth came to light this Tuesday, I know that The Crimson has spent many long minutes reviewing the facts. What I did was wrong, and after reading I understand that. I should not have told anyone about the second email search.

Emboldened by Success, Crimson Calls for Secretary of Transportation to Resign

CAMBRIDGE, MA-- After receiving over thirty comments on its editorial calling for Dean Hammonds’ resignation, a power-mad Editorial Board has decided that Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood is no longer fit for his job. 

According to a leaked source, the editorial, which will appear in tomorrow’s paper, condemns LaHood for his management of the construction on JFK St. last year, and his refusal to give a straight answer about whether the T is going to ever run after 2am.