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Harvard Student Returns Home for Thanksgiving to “Catch Up, Grab a Meal” with Family

Sources confirmed earlier today that Eric West ’18, a Chemical and Physical Biology concentrator, has returned home for Thanksgiving to “catch up and grab a meal” with his family.

“I’ve been just been so busy, you know,” said West, who has called the people who gave birth to him a total of three times since the semester started, one of which was to ask what the family Netflix password was. “But it’s great seeing you guys. We should totally do this again sometime!”

Fox Club Closed After "Cootie Outbreak"

44 JFK ST., CAMBRIDGE, MA – The graduate board of the Fox Club was forced to take drastic action towards their undergraduate members in recent weeks, resulting in the closure of the clubhouse due to what has been reported as a “cootie outbreak" following the admission of women into the club. This closure comes as a shock after female members were invited to join the club in what has been heralded as an “historic move.”

TF Actually Doesn’t Know The Difference Between MLA and Chicago, Was Just Bluffing

Quietly snickering after collecting her students’ essays for Aesthetic and Interpretive Understanding 64: The Canterbury Tales, local teaching fellow Judith Klenderman told reporters Monday that she actually doesn’t know the difference between MLA and Chicago citation styles, and “couldn’t care less” which of the styles her students had chosen to use.

Freshman Totally Misunderstands HUPD Escort Service

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Things went awry in Greenough 208 last Friday, when a freshman, prompted by the newly instituted HUPD Escort Service, mistakenly extended the duties of a HUPD officer to include those of a gigolo. 

Tired from the Friday night Freshman Wander, Michael Rajcock ’19 decided to resort to an alternative source of entertainment. Thoroughly prepared after a series of purchases from CVS, he made the phone call. Unsuspecting HUPD officer Bill Joe, answered, but was nowhere near as ready. 

Malan and Mankiw Continue to Argue over Whose is Bigger

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Students aren’t the only ones with performance anxiety this time of year. The ongoing argument between Professors David Malan and N. Gregory Mankiw over whose is bigger is heating up during the weeklong period between their two midterms. Attempts to compare and determine whose is larger, better endowed, and overall more sought after have taken an aggressive turn.

Dean Khurana Auditions to be an Eleganza Model

Cambridge, MA – To the shock of many students and administrators,  Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana announced yesterday that he had auditioned to be an Eleganza model.

“I’ve actually been considering the career move to modeling for quite some time now,” Khurana admitted, citing his flourishing Instagram account for giving him the “confidence and self-assurance” to fulfill his life-long goal of taking to the runway.

Area Husband Organizes Sex Week Programming

AUBURN, NY—In an effort to promote a more vibrant intimate relationship with his wife, area husband David Im, 49, has organized Sex Week, seven days packed with events for the enlightenment and edification of the couple. 

According to the official website Im created for Sex Week, programming began Sunday with “Aphrodisiacs 101”, featuring a panel of culinary experts from around the world. 

Dismantle the Final Clubs and the Industrial-Technological Complex

By Ted Kaczynski ‘62

I’ve been sitting on the sidelines of this conversation for long enough, and I can no longer justify remaining silent.  We need to dismantle the final clubs and the industrial-technological system. 

There comes a point in the life of certain institutions when the costs that they incur outweigh the benefits that they provide.  I believe that Harvard final clubs have reached that point.  I also believe that industrial society has reached that point.

Dining Hall Fire Forces Linkmates to Get Lunch, “Catch Up”

CAMBRIDGE, MA – As a result of the closure of Kirkland House Dining Hall and subsequent relocation of House Residents to Winthrop, estranged linkmates Sarah Johnson ’17 and James Caldwell ’17 were forced to encounter each other for the first time in 11 months.  After accidentally making eye contact across the Red Spice Chicken in the servery, the pair decided to spend the next hour “catching up.”

Class of 2019: By The Numbers, A Month Later

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A month ago, the Crimson’s released “Class of 2019: By the Numbers.” The start of freshman year can be a turbulent time, so SatireV polled the freshman class once more to see what has changed since opening days.

Class Makeup and Admissions 

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