AUBURN, NY—In an effort to promote a more vibrant intimate relationship with his wife, area husband David Im, 49, has organized Sex Week, seven days packed with events for the enlightenment and edification of the couple. 

According to the official website Im created for Sex Week, programming began Sunday with “Aphrodisiacs 101”, featuring a panel of culinary experts from around the world. 

By Ted Kaczynski ‘62

I’ve been sitting on the sidelines of this conversation for long enough, and I can no longer justify remaining silent.  We need to dismantle the final clubs and the industrial-technological system. 

There comes a point in the life of certain institutions when the costs that they incur outweigh the benefits that they provide.  I believe that Harvard final clubs have reached that point.  I also believe that industrial society has reached that point.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – As a result of the closure of Kirkland House Dining Hall and subsequent relocation of House Residents to Winthrop, estranged linkmates Sarah Johnson ’17 and James Caldwell ’17 were forced to encounter each other for the first time in 11 months.  After accidentally making eye contact across the Red Spice Chicken in the servery, the pair decided to spend the next hour “catching up.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A month ago, the Crimson’s released “Class of 2019: By the Numbers.” The start of freshman year can be a turbulent time, so SatireV polled the freshman class once more to see what has changed since opening days.

Class Makeup and Admissions 

Jacob P. Rocha ’19 narrowly managed to avoid showing his parents his beer-filled dorm room this Parents Weekend, maintaining their belief that the 18-year-old freshman has yet to ever consume alcohol.

Cambridge, MA—At the opening of Freshman Parents’ Weekend on Friday, local parent Elizabeth Hermann forgot the name of her son, Jordan Hermann ’19.

“Hi there, um, Greg?” she said upon meeting her 19-year-old child next to the parents’ welcome booth.

When Jordan corrected her mistake, she replied, “Oh, of course. Of course. It’s crazy, I’m meeting so many new people, it’s so hard to keep track.” She went on to explain to her offspring that he looked so different from his Facebook photo.

CAMBRIDGE, MA--In an occurrence that sources are describing as even more awkward than his recent request for an extension 9 hours before a paper was due, local undergraduate Noah Richardson '18 is reported to have asked his SLS 20 professor, Dr. Daniel Gilbert, to the Dunster House Faculty Dinner "just, like, as friends."

Cambridge, MA—According to a recent email sent out to students, faculty, and staff, Harvard University executive vice president Katie Lapp has been trapped in a pile of leaves.

Everywhere around Cambridge and Boston, thousands of people are coming right now to see the enormous Head of the Charles. The visitors, fit to burst from simply seeing the Head of the Charles, are visibly tense in their anticipation for this time-treasured event.

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,