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Harvard

Sober Student Unable to Locate Kong

Cambridge, MA-- The dinner plans of Chris DeMarco ‘16 and his roommates hit a snag early Thursday evening when the Quincy sophomore realized he could not recall the location of Harvard Square’s Hong Kong Restaurant while not in a state of complete intoxication.

Conflicted Homophobic Student Wants Rainbow Cake

CAMBRIDGE, MA – While passing by an on-campus celebration in honor of BGLTQ history month, deeply homophobic sophomore Danny Larson underwent a moral conflict upon seeing the “delicious-looking” rainbow cake being served at the party. 

“It was a tough moment for me,” Larson said. “I definitely don’t support gay rights or agree with the homosexual lifestyle, but that rainbow cake looked fabulous.” 

Harvard Football Beats, Um, Brown? Did We Play Brown?

Last Saturday Harvard’s football team claimed another win over a team that was probably Brown, possibly Columbia, most likely not Notre Dame.

 The wide receiver caught the ball some number of times, and the linebacker ran with the ball for a good number of minutes. It is also reported that the quarterback threw the ball, giving Harvard a huge advantage over the opposing team.

 Football is a sport.

NSA Searches College Email Accounts, Resident Deans Unimpressed

Cambridge, MA- The Washington Post revealed yet another instance of email-tapping by the NSA on Monday--this time, of Harvard Resident Deans and other administrators. Upon finding out the news, however, Harvard officials remained starkly unimpressed.
 
"It's like 'whatever' at this point," said Leverett Resident Dean Lauren Brandt, via an NSA-read exclusive email conversation with Satire V. 
 

I Hate Shopping Period vs. I Hate Period Shopping

I Hate Shopping Period

-The first time, you have no idea what you’re doing.

-Lots of iPads.

-Close attention to course evaluations.

-Awkward eye contact with that kid from freshmen year.

-The word gentle is used to describe curves.

-Mom calls repeatedly to see how it’s going.

-Lots of blood.

 

I Hate Period Shopping

-The first time, you have no idea what you’re doing.

-Lots of pads.

-Close attention to course of ovulations. 

-Awkward eye contact with the cashier.

Women's Center Unveils Privilege Check

Cambridge, MA—As part of a slew of new renovations designed to promote inclusiveness, the Women’s Center today unveiled their new “privilege check”. The facility, located behind a Rawlsian Veil of Ignorance and adjacent to the pre-existing coat closet, allows visitors to the Women’s Center to check their privilege before entering the facility beneath the Canaday dorms.

Freshmen Bring Back Memories For Grizzled Old Man

Franklin Scheub, a grizzled old man well-known throughout the environs of Harvard Square, reminisced as the Class of 2017 moved into their dorms and oriented themselves with college life.

“Oh, the memories I have,” said the senior, his beady black eyes peering out from his wrinkled visage and bushy white eyebrows as he raised a mug of black Au Bon Pain coffee with his trembling hands.  “So many things.  And this year, I remember all of it.”

Natalie Alvarrez Just Saw Your Email

Natalie Alvarrez, a senior in Currier house has finally responded to your email after "not seeing it." "I literally just saw this email from you and I would love to grab dinner with you some time!" said the short response from Alvarrez, senior in Currier House.  Sources near to Alvarrez confirm that she definitely did not put a star next to your message when it arrived in her inbox 14 hours ago.

Femi Oleowo '14, Nigerian Prince, Stranded in Nigeria for Six Days

LAGOS, NIGERIA -- Oluwafemi Oleowo '14 heads back to campus today after a harrowing 6 day period of being stranded in his home country. Oleowo, [pronounced o-lay-o-woah] the prince of a small municipality in southern Nigeria, decided to take a last minute trip to his kingdom to catch up on the state of affairs, meet with government officials, and most of all get some well deserved R&R.

Quiet Kid in Class Actually Just Really Weird

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Harvard junior Trisha Richman was disappointed to find that Alex McGovern, the quiet kid from her English section, is in fact a very strange and socially inept person.

“He just seemed really mysterious,” Richman said of the pale, gangly sophomore. 

Richman, whose previous efforts to engage McGovern in small talk had been unsuccessful, finally managed to corner the mildly anti-social boy with a meticulously crafted question about the relative merits of David Foster Wallace’s The Pale King as a follow-up to Infinite Jest. 

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