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17 Important Issues No UC Candidate is Talking About

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Hopefully the UC will begin to address these issues.

The UC presidential election is in full swing, but not every important issue is being addressed. Satire V has compiled a definitive list of 17 issues that no UC candidate is talking about:

1) The female orgasm

2) How to get a new napkin out of the dispenser when it’s really filled to the brim

3) Why Jessica won’t answer my calls

4) Why you park on a driveway but drive on a parkway

5) Why?

6) The fact that Courage the Cowardly Dog (1999-2002) was basically Saw for children

7) The fact that if you rearrange the letters in "On Harvard Time" you get "Man Doth Arrive"

8) The final 2009 issue of Nickelodeon Magazine

9) What happened to “The Crag“ after Nickelodeon GUTS was cancelled

10) How to buy “The Crag” on eBay for a hamster race I’m thinking of hosting

11) The correct pronunciation of GIF

12) Why I let the hokey pokey tell me what to do

13) The fact that Jim Halpert has Call of Duty in Season 2 of The Office but doesn't know how to play it in Season 3

14) Why I can't ever shave that one patch of hair on my ankle the first time around

15) How Fogbuster is the new House Blend

16) Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles and, by opposing, end them

17) How to build a sense of campus community


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