CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a precedented move by the administration, Harvard Provost Alan Garber announced that sanctions will be placed on all students who decide to unionize. “Although the student unions are not formally recognized by the College, they play an unmistakable and growing role in student life, in many cases enacting forms of privilege and exclusion at odds with our deepest values,” Garber announced. “This country was built on free enterprise, and the dangerous precedent set by the recent HUDS strike has given some students the wrong idea about the rights they have.” 

During a recent press conference, Garber listed some of the ‘unacceptable’ ideas prevalent on campus. “We need to seriously consider what our values are. What’s more important, at the end of the day--a living wage, or creating value for your shareholders? I think the answer is obvious.”

Garber also raised concerns about the diverse makeup of the proposed unions. “Look, there’s only one contract for a whole bunch of people who are all part of the same working class. Where is the sectarianism that this country is known for?”

Garber was quick to note how well the administration handled students’ concerns during the recent strike, adding “Remember during the strike, when we had all those good chicken fingers and sent those emails to your parents? Remember how we gave you…wait, how much did we give you, like $50 or something? Surely that was enough, right? At least to do a couple loads of laundry.”

Garber concluded that the university was willing to have a serious conversation about sexual assaults or final clubs or literally anything else, just as long as no one touched that sweet, sweet money.