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Area Asshole Sets World Record for Time Spent Filling Up Water Bottle

Johnson fills up his water bottle.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a shocking turn of events, area asshole Devon R. Johnson '19 set a new world record of seven minutes and forty-six seconds on Tuesday for time spent filling up his 64oz Wide Mouth Hydro Flask water bottle at the water bottle filler in the Barker Center.

Making sure to fully appreciate every single ounce of water, Johnson ensured that his bottle was filled to the very top of its stainless steel lid, waiting for the stream of water from the filler that was slower than Johnson’s leisurely walks through the Yard.

Sources close to the scene report that as Johnson filled the bottle, a growing line of fellow students began lining up behind him, Nalgenes and S’well Bottles in their hands, prompting him to look over his shoulder with a reassuring smile and exclaim, “It’s almost done!” When the process was completed, Johnson remained in front of the fountain to ensure the cap was completely screwed on and diligently tested the seal by shaking the bottle upside-down.

“It was really important to me to take the time to fill this baby up all the way,” Johnson said. He noted, “I’m on my way to monopolize my professor’s office hours, and I need to stay hydrated.”

“I don’t have time for this,” said fellow student and water enthusiast Melanie L. Murphy '20.

On his walk from the Barker Center to Lamont, Johnson noticed a hair floating in his water, leading him to dump it out and head back for more water.

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