CAMBRIDGE, MA--Freshman Move-In Day has come and gone, bringing with it a new wave of eager and naïve first-years, as well as a flood of smiling, t-shirt-wearing, sickeningly sweet upperclassman PAFs, high on the power trip that comes with spending a year as faux proctors.

One big draw of PAFing, at least to those on the outside, is the $1,000 paycheck attached to the position. This yearly stipend, although small in comparison to the six-figure salaries all HCCG members undoubtedly make upon graduation, is no small figure for any college student, and the allure of subsidized drinks at the Felipe’s rooftop bar makes joining the PAF program highly competitive. But for a select few morally superior students, this stipend is “a non-factor,” with one of them, Anna James ’18, telling reporters that she “was never in it for the money.”

“I just genuinely love helping freshmen,” James lied through her teeth as she clicked "Proceed to Checkout" on her online Nordstrom shopping cart. “To be honest, I thought it was a volunteer position when I applied.”

Another student, Michael Xi '19, said he finds it “inconceivable” that any PAF would be motivated by monetary compensation. “That’s just preposterous,” he said, adding, “[PAFs] are mentors. Peers. Tutors. Friends. We do this because we are wanted. Because we are needed.” Xi also confirmed to reporters that the two handles of Grey Goose sticking out of his backpack were "um, gifts from my friends. Or my mom. Please stop asking."

In response to these students' inspiring testimonies, the Freshman Dean's Office has announced that it will be making the PAF position unpaid, diverting the saved funds to the Harvard College Financial Aid Initiative and the Dean of Phresh's Legal Defense Fund. It also announced a few hours later that there are now openings for 79 new PAFs.