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Crimson Editorialist Suffers Third-Degree Burns After Writing Hottest Take Ever Took

Maple wrote the hottest take ever took.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Sources say that Jessica L. Maple '20, an op-ed writer at The Harvard Crimson, was admitted to Mount Auburn Hospital last night after adding her last artistically placed exclamation point to the hottest take ever took and suffering from a third-degree burn.

Although most of our infantile brains cannot comprehend the complexities of the article, it is a paradigm-shifting double subversion of PC culture that walks a nuanced tightrope and is cognizant of the societal and cultural context of the Trump era. Experts warn that it is simply too hot to come into contact with.

Darcy C. Anders '19, the managing editor of The Crimson, attempted to read the article, but her eyes immediately melted under the blinding light of a thousand suns. “The liquified corneas were worth it,” said Anders, “for just one moment to read the hottest take ever took.”

Jake P. McKellen '18 used the piece to prove to his ex-girlfriend that keeping their eclipse glasses "just in case" was a good idea after all. He added, “I may not agree fully with the stance taken in the article, but boy oh boy am I glad that someone gave me a radical new perspective on this issue, allowing me to finally moderate my goddamn views.”

At press time, Maple was on the mend and eager to return to her keyboard. “We’ve been telling her for years to cool down her takes,” said Maple’s father. “From now on, only Flyby articles for Jessica.”

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