CAMBRIDGE, MA — While the Class of 2019 will remember tonight as an evening of fun with lifelong friends, Thomas H. “Tommy D” Dingman ’68 will only remember it as an important lesson on the dangers of drinking too much after the self-proclaimed Dean of Phresh pregamed too hard and had to miss the dance entirely. 

“It was so weird,” reported Stoughton resident Aaron Joyner. “My bros and I were just hanging out and doing some shots, and then all of a sudden Dean Dingman runs in shouting that ‘the eagle has landed’ and that ‘it’s time to put the form in formal, if you know what I mean, ladies.’ He was definitely a little gone by then, because it seemed like he didn’t even see us. He just chugged about a quarter of our handle of Pink Lemonade Rubinoff and then ran off.”

Dingman, who reportedly started drinking immediately after leaving Hebrew Bible section at 5, showed up uninvited to several freshmen pregames throughout the Yard, often staying long enough to steal a can of PBR and encourage 19-year-olds he had never met to “make some bad choices, dudes, ‘cuz we’ll never be this young again” before running off into the night. By 7:30, however, he was found in the fetal position in a Thayer hallway bathroom, attempting to crawl into a shower because “Rakesh said I should stay hydrated.”

At press time, Dingman could be found imploring users of the restroom not to call UHS because he didn’t “want to waste [his] amnesty trip.”