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Delphic Comes Forward With Books on Books of Scouting Reports

Beneath this building is a storage locker containing over 100,000 vellum manuscripts ranking the hotness of area women dating back to 1636.

Cambridge, MA--Though the controversy surrounding the men's soccer and cross-country teams has faded, the Delphic Club has reignited the issue by revealing that they have produced a veritable library's worth of material commenting on women's physical appearances.

 

Delphic President Benedict Q. Walters VI '17 explained the revelation, saying that “[the Delphic] really felt it was important to come forward and own up to our actions, we really wouldn’t want the sports teams--which some of our members happen to be on--to get all the credit.” Describing the lists as "complimentary" and "empowering," Walters felt it was important that the Delphic, which he called "Harvard's most feminist final club," join the important conversation that the soccer team had started.

 

Observing the fleet of trucks carrying numerous books, pamphlets, scrolls, and ancient tablets of hieroglyphics containing Delphic members' comments on women, Walters explained that “we have ‘scouting reports’ dating back to 1903, the year we were founded, although back then we were rating Radcliffe girls. And by the way, ours come out weekly, so this is easily more up-to-date than anything the soccer team can put out."

 

Calling the scouting reports “respectful”, “politically correct”, and “liberating" as he sipped scotch next to the Delphic's historic 'exercise' pole, Arnold T. Fletcher '19 explained that “I like to think of being included in our reports as one of the highest forms of flattery, especially the ‘want to fuck’ section flattery."

  

The general mood in the club is confusion as to why this has a point of contention on campus, with Walters summing it up best, asking, “Like, why would we have female athletes if they weren’t hot? Do you expect them to play sports? Men are just better at that."

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