and entering

Email Will Skirt Around Actual Issue, Indicates Vague Subject Line

Email subject line reads "Incident on Friday"
Never before has this level of circumvention been achieved!
AN INBOX — The vague subject line of an email sent by a campus administrator indicates that the message will dodge the actual issue at hand—in this case, police brutality against a black undergraduate.
"Oh boy, this is going to be a thorough hand-wringing," thought Ryan C. Dennison '20 as he opened a message from President Faust with the subject line "Incident on Friday." Dennison added, "No one in charge is going to take responsibility for anything at all, are they?" as he scrolled through the missive.
The email follows a series of vague subject lines from other university officials—including "Events of Yesterday," "Touchy Political Issue," "That Bad Thing That Happened that Time," and "Insert Subject Here." Sources indicate that the University has employed a crack team of in-house lawyers to strip the meaning of any string of words in the English language.
According to experts, this particular email uses a record-breaking number of words to say absolutely nothing. "These definitely are words, but I'm not sure what they mean," said Tufts University linguistics professor Natasha E. Thompson. "The use of passive tense in this email is unprecedented. In all my life, I've never seen this many verbs divorced from the nouns that actually performed those actions."
At press time, students were archiving an email from Dean Khurana about police brutality after the first sentence used three synonyms for "event."
© 2018