CAMBRIDGE, MA – Today the faculty of Harvard College came together to celebrate a non-denominational “Winter Celebration,” which featured a Yankee swap that ended in quarrels and eggnog-fueled sobbing.

The festivities began to lose energy almost immediately when Economics professor N. Gregory Mankiw ran an intense cost-benefit analysis between choosing a new gift from the pile or stealing a Panera Bread gift card from Dean Dingman. “On the one hand, the marginal utility per dollar of Panera mac and cheese is an extremely high 23 utils/$. On the other hand, the opportunity cost of stealing said gift card could be much higher than I think if Dingman retaliates.” Dean Dingman is a known fan of the “You-Choose-Two” menu from Panera.

Dean Rakesh Khurana was overjoyed after opening a GoPro 2, which would “up [his] insta game exponentially!” The GoPro was stolen the very next turn.

Tensions hit a boiling point after President Faust opened a box containing keys to a brand-new 2015 Ferrari 458 Spider that clearly surpassed the established $50 price limit. The gift was quickly traced back to CS50 Professor David J. Malan. When confronted about the price cap, Malan reportedly laughed, “Please, please, $50 versus $500,000, what’s it to me?”

Michael Sandel denounced the whole party, claiming that it was “immoral to presume a position of power over one another during what is supposed to be a season of giving.” 

“Is it not inherently wrong of us to steal gifts from others that have already brought them visible joy?” he cried out. “Or, is it wrong of them to presume that the gift will not bring us equal—or even greater—joy? Who is the truly selfish party in the endless battle that is Yankee Swap?” 

Lawrence Lessig was seen leaving the party early in tears after receiving a White House Edition Lego set.

Image source: dennis crowley/Flickr