A report by the Harvard University Police Department has implicated President Drew Gilpin Faust, Dean Evelynn Hammonds, and other top administration figures in a hazing scandal that students and alumni alike are calling “disgusting” and “immature”.
The document, released this past Wednesday, describes the process by which high-ranking university officials “initiated” new faculty members at the beginning of the school term for the past eight years. The first week of classes, Dean of Freshman, part-time bouncer, and heroin enthusiast Tom Dingman leads the “frosh profs” to the basement of the Faculty Club, where in a booze-laden candlelit ceremony, Recruitment Officer Hammonds outlines the “tasks” that must be accomplished in order for the neophytes to be accepted into the fold of the Harvard community. (According to the report, Faust never speaks during hazing proceedings; instead, she prefers to sit in a corner of the room, a dark cloak masking her face in mysterious shadow.)
The report provides a list of the tasks that the new faculty are required to complete. These include:
- Finding someone in Cambridge who isn’t voting for Elizabeth Warren
- Snorting copious amounts of cocaine and then reenacting the Battle of Gettysburg (for the entertainment of President Faust)
- Carrying a live chicken for a week
- Constructing a real-life version of the Penrose Stairs using only toilet paper and soda straws
- Successfully not sounding like an asshole when telling people that they work at Harvard
- Defeating God
“For the most part, the list consisted of strangely academic tasks combined with heavy drug use,” said HUPD Chief Francis D. "Bud" Riley.
None of the administration has been available for comment, most likely because they have all either disappeared or been arrested.
