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Four Hair Straighteners That’ll Make Your Hair So Straight It’ll Pursue Men at the Fly

Is your hair curly? Do you wish it were straighter? Have no fear—these four hair straighteners will make your hair so straight that it’ll decide to pursue men at the Fly.

Sure, you’re a junior. Sure, you really have no business being at the Fly. Sure, the members perpetuate socioeconomic elitism and talk over you in section. But with strands this straight, your tresses will be pining for the boys at the Fly on a Friday night as “Mr. Brightside” blares over the speakers and some drunk guy hits on a freshman from BU in the corner.

1. 

This hairbrush-turned-straightener does two things at once, which reminds you of your ex-boyfriend Evan since he liked to clean out his inbox while you were fooling around. Don’t give up on dating altogether—this two-for-the-price-of-one gizmo will burn your hair to such a straight crisp that it’ll feel hot and bothered when it hears the click-clack of boat shoes on Holyoke Place.

2.

This hand-me-down straightener from your older sister will never get quite hot enough to get the waves out of your bangs. No worries—your hair will still be just straight enough to coo to a tall blonde legacy, “I’d love to come to your crew team’s regatta at 6 a.m. on Saturday.”

3.

Though this straightener will roast your locks until they break off, you'll love this gadget because it looks so damn sleek while it’s screwing you over. Your hair will have the same toxic relationship with every well-suited boy at the Fly. At some point in the night, you just might hear your hair asking a dude about his summer internship at Goldman Sachs and laughing loudly at his joke that wasn't all that funny.

4.

This one might burn your dorm down if you leave it plugged in, but living dangerously is what your hair’s new crushes at the Fly are all about. Plug that baby in and run it through your mane until your hair becomes so razor-sharp that it considers joining HCCG just to meet these men when they’re sober.

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