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Freshman Totally Misunderstands HUPD Escort Service

One of the many available HUPD Escorts

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Things went awry in Greenough 208 last Friday, when a freshman, prompted by the newly instituted HUPD Escort Service, mistakenly extended the duties of a HUPD officer to include those of a gigolo. 

Tired from the Friday night Freshman Wander, Michael Rajcock ’19 decided to resort to an alternative source of entertainment. Thoroughly prepared after a series of purchases from CVS, he made the phone call. Unsuspecting HUPD officer Bill Joe, answered, but was nowhere near as ready. 

 “I didn’t know what to make of it. We don’t get a lot of calls from the Union Dorms. Or any calls at all really. But the few we do are usually from freshman who can’t find the yard,” said a rattled Joe. 

Joe emphasized his confusion when Rajcock asked to be handcuffed, despite the absence of any incriminating evidence. He claims the requests became increasingly bizarre. 

An embarrassed Rajcock justified  “When he took off his badge, I thought it was just the start of the show. “

Sources indicate the standoff drew to a climax (despite Rajcock’s insistence there was none) when Rajcock hurled single dollar bills at and around HUPD police officer Joe. 

“I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, with all the protests, Harvard seems like a really liberal place. I guess not ” explained Rajcock, who is currently in the process of transferring to Brown. 

When asked why he didn’t go help, Joe’s overly enthused partner explained, “My money was on some kid being locked out. You think with all the lanyards, they wouldn’t lose their keys. Dammit freshmen.” 

At press time, members of the Harvard administration were busy revising the names of all its programs to remove any confusion. Sources within the administration claim they intend to start with the Freshmen Arts Program, otherwise known as FAP. 

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