LOWELL DINING HALL – Megan C. Lafferty ’20, glancing over her shoulder in the dining hall, is clearly about to talk some serious shit about Jenny.

When Lafferty gossips over meals, she normally just drops her voice to offer her unsolicited opinions about her classmates. But at lunch on Tuesday, Lafferty craned her neck over her shoulder and slowly scanned the entire dining hall for anyone who might possibly know her linkmate.

“Oh wow,” commented a passerby. “That bitch must be about to talk some serious shit about Jenny.”

At approximately 1:39 p.m., Lafferty's lunch companion mentioned Jenny. “Oh, I have so much to say about Jenny,” Lafferty exclaimed excitedly. Then she swung her head to the right, made eye contact with every single person in the dining hall, evaluated whether any of them had met Jenny, turned to the left, and repeated the process.

“It’s go time,” Lafferty said finally, locking eyes with the lunch companion. “Did you hear that Jenny threw up at the Fly last Saturday? I’m not saying she has a problem, but I am saying it’s not the first time.”

The lunch companion groaned. “I can’t believe Jenny did that,” he said. Lafferty shushed him, even though she had already confirmed that nobody in the dining hall knew Jenny.

At press time, Jenny was double-checking that Lafferty was not in the group chat before offering the rest of the linking group a blistering analysis of Lafferty’s sex life.