“Slap us in the cuffs. I’ll serve my time,” said Luke R. Heine ’17, an Undergraduate Council (UC) presidential candidate, laughing at the possibility of international sanctions.
Heine and Stephen A. Turban '17, the only entirely sophomore UC ticket for this year's election, have recently been accused by NATO of launching military incursions into the volatile Donetsk region of eastern Ukraine, and now face a $15 fine in addition to economic sanctions imposed by the European Union.
Allegedly seeking to add "spice" to what they saw as a "bland" election, Heine and Turban kicked off their UC campaign by leading five armoured tanks and a batallion of pro-Russian separatist rebels across the Russo-Ukrainian border and into the Ukrainian city of Novoazovsk.
"Through our bold leadership and readiness to challenge post-Cold War Western hegemony, we will ensure that all Harvard students and ethnic Russians in Eastern Europe have a voice," an unrepentant Turban told Satire V, riding into battle atop his T-64 battle tank that was "definitely not supplied by Russia."
The UC Election Commission and the UN Security Council are holding emergency meetings to deal with what Heine proudly claims is "absolutely" a violation of campaign rules and the sovereignty of Ukraine. "These armoured vehicles are out of control," said Matthew C. Estes '18, the Election Commission chair.
Meanwhile, Happy Yang ’16 and Faith A. Jackson ’16, were fined $5 for allegedly planning a military coup in Guinea-Bissau.
© 2014
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