Cambridge, MA — Harvard University Dining Services recently announced the opening of a new BoardPlus café, conveniently located behind an elaborate obstacle course.
“We at HUDS are pleased to unveil our plans for Wentworth Café, our newest BoardPlus location,” said HUDS Managing Director David Davidson, in an email to students last night. “Taking student feedback into account, we have decided to feature a new menu full of sustainable, locally grown produce in partnership with Broad Acre Apple Butter Local Fresh Honey Farms, as well as fully compostable flatware. Best of all, the cafe will be conveniently located near the Andover-Harvard Theological Library behind two locked, barred doors.”
According to HUDS Director for Operations and Facilities Robert Leandro, the cafe personnel are looking forward to taking “extreme measures to disincentivize students from making use of university resources.”
“Don’t worry, kids!” said Leandro in a press release. “There will be several rounds of bag check, as well as a HUDS staff member on-duty on all times to remove available chairs and tables as students enter. Oh, and the sole entrance is guarded by a Cerberus who hungers only for human flesh.”
Sarah Derryman ’19, a sophomore in Kirkland House, said that she was “stoked” for the new cafe. “I’ve been struggling to use my Board Plus all year. I hate the vibe at LamCaf, and the Barker Center is always too crowded. I don’t actually mind having Osiris, God of the Dead, weigh my heart against a feather before I can enter. I mean, at least they have Blue Bottle Coffee!”
At press time, Drew Faust announced that the Smith Campus Center would be converted to an infinite self-transforming hedge maze featuring weekly "Java of Fire" coffee promotions.