As Mass Ave ran red with blood and hellish screams tore open the night, Commissioner Bentham of the Harvard University Police Department has announced that HUPD has “lost control of Cambridge and the immediate Harvard campus” and that Harvard students are “on your own, kids.  God save your souls.” 

Bentham, who spoke via a secure phone line in a HUPD saferoom, wished Harvard students the best of luck, but emphasized that HUPD can no longer provide any protection to students.

“It’s a warzone out there." said Bentham, eyes glazed:  "Ordinarily I’d advise students to use well-lit pathways when walking home, but I saw a whole crowd of German tourists robbed at spearpoint in front of the John Harvard statute.  It was 2:30 in the afternoon!”

 Added Bentham: “Whatever you do, don’t go near the blue-lights.  It just makes you a target now.” 

When asked who was most at risk of being a victim, Bentham indicated that freshmen walking to Annenberg for breakfast were the most likely to be engaged by gangs of intimidating yet harmless marauders, while anyone walking to the Quad would almost certainly be killed by the ravenous Mongol hordes which now control Garden Street.

Dean Dingman, speaking in front of the burning Sheraton Commander, promised safe passage to all who agreed to support his bid for Elm Yard Warlord, and death to his enemies, before donning the skull of an unknown administrator as his crown.