By the fruit fly in your common room

Just because you’re in the Fly and I am a fly doesn’t give you the right to try and squash me you absolute piece of entitled human garbage. I was just trying to live my best life in the half empty can of PBR you left in your common room, but noooo I’m not “human” enough to share a space with your majesty. I’m a “pest” and “gross.” Well you know what?! At least I’m getting laid, so who’s laughing now, Brett? 

Yeah I said it, I’m having wild sex 23 hours a day and I have 98 new offspring to prove it. Payback is as sweet as the banana I first hitched a ride to your room on, and man now nowhere in your dorm is sacred. I humped the shit out of your pencil last night. Remember last week when you were confused why “,rsmghlakjr,shg” popped up on your Google Doc?? Yeah. Fruit fly orgy. I don’t even care if you’re in the room you sad, celibate man. You think you’re alone on the couch, when really sticky wine glasses, brain break bowls, and the trashcan are all my domain. I cannot even begin to describe the dirty dirty things we did on top of the last three tapioca pearls in your bubble tea. DrosophiliYES. 

You don’t get a single message on Bumble, but all the insect buzz is about ME, baby. Hey, you probably didn’t notice her cause she’s only a millimeter long, but you should see my girl, Gnatalie. Her thorax is to die for and her beady red eyes get my wings twitching. You need help to even talk to a lady, but I can be my own wingman. And guess what?? I’m pretty fucking fly. 

“Oh I’m so cool, I’m Brett, I go to parties.” Well, I drank that thimble of vodka you spilled on the floor, and got absolutely smashed (into a window… don’t drink and fly, kids). I even threw a party in that bottle of Kombucha that you tried but didn’t like. I invited everyone. Yeah, you got ants now asswipe. 

So next time you think about being a dick and trying to kill me, just remember: 1) Bugger off, you can’t get rid of us. And 2) That buzzing sound that you think is just us flying around? Yeah-- Little. Tiny. Vibrators.