CAMBRIDGE, MA — Reports surfaced on Wednesday that Jessica E. Serrano '18, your maddeningly genuine acquaintance, not only remembered your birthday but also purchased a small gift to demonstrate her affection. That bitch. Finding something to send back to her so that you don't seem like a total dick is going to be such a headache.

 

Serrano, who was maybe in your EMR section from freshman spring, consistently pulls this kind of goody two-shoes bullshit. In between her shifts volunteering at the homeless shelter, her stints working in a cancer research lab, and her job mentoring underprivileged teens, she somehow managed to find time to buy a trinket that perfectly encapsulates the nuances of your relationship—which has consisted of maybe one meal per semester.

 

Sources confirm that you are definitely going to look like an inconsiderate jerk if you don't reciprocate the gift. It looks like you're really going to have to splurge on one of those expensive, individually wrapped thank-you cards you see at Papyrus sometimes. Maybe a quick CVS run to pick up some of those fancy-looking Ghirardelli chocolate bars might do. You should really put it in a gift bag, just to make it clear that you thought about Serrano for more than 30 seconds, but you probably won't.

 

Ugh, you just remembered that she brought you snacks once while you were writing your thesis even though she wrote one too. What the hell is wrong with her?

 

It's impossible to not feel warm and bubbly inside from Jessica's sweet birthday offering—that saintly asshole really outdid herself this time. "Whenever I feel down, I think back to that one amazing conversation we had in Annenberg," Serrano wrote on the attached card, mistakenly assuming that you remember that conversation. "I just want you to know how much our conversations have meant to me."

 

Making sure that her incredibly heartfelt words, which doubtless came from a place of real caring, are returned in kind with a physical representation of your gratitude is going to be a damn pain in the ass.

 

At press time, Serrano was writing a long, deep explanation of why she donated to the 2018 Senior Gift because she's just so wonderful, isn't she.