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It’s Not You, It’s Danoff Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana

It's not you, John.

Dear John,

We’ve had some wonderful times together, but I just don’t think our romance was meant to be. Over the past couple of weeks, our relationship has become so transactional, and I need a love that’s transformative. Our relationship is like a trade school, but I need a liberal arts kind of romance. I need a man who will sanction the rest and give all his love to me.
 
John, it’s not you – it’s Danoff Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana. 
 
I don’t know when I realized it – maybe it was when he first sent me an email signed off with “Warmly, Dean Khurana.” (So formal yet so familiar!) Maybe it was when he invited me to Arts First last year. (Yeah, he invited other people, but I think it was just because he was nervous that if it was just the two of us it would be too “datey.”) Maybe it was when he warned me about the mumps outbreak on campus. (He really cares!)
 
Who knows? All I know is that he’s more man, and more Danoff Dean of Harvard College, than you will ever be.
 
I hope that you and I can still be friends. Even though I’ve fallen out of love with you and in love with the Danoff Dean of Harvard College, I still wish you the best. I hope that your heart doesn’t break all over again when you see Rakesh playfully tagging me in Facebook memes to “totally Kesh” me. I hope that it doesn’t shatter you into a million pieces to see my Danoff Dean and I out shutting down final clubs on a Saturday night. 
 
I will always love you, John. But I won’t, because you’re not Danoff Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana.
 
Sincerely,
Your ex-girlfriend
 
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