SatireV

Breaking News

1.0mm Pencil Lead

Katie Lapp Trapped Under Pile of Strategizing Turkeys

Lapp, pictured here under a pile of turkeys, handles many administrative tasks for the Faculty of Arts and Sciences.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped under a pile of strategizing turkeys. 

“Dear members of the Harvard community,” Lapp writes in her email, which was sent over the Campus-Notify email list. “While strolling down Massachusetts Avenue carrying my bag of freshly picked apples from my trip to Honeypot Hill Orchards, I suddenly found myself surrounded by at least 75 angered turkeys. Before I knew what was happening, they converged on me and began sinking their claws into my apples, swallowing them whole.”

Lapp managed to successfully send out an email from her phone right before being surrounded by gobbling flock of fearsome birds. “The turkeys seemed to be strategizing,” Lapp writes. “I felt like a peasant during the Siege of Alesia, surrounded by Caesar and the Romans, slowly starving as their Golden Delicious apples were devoured right before their very eyes. Updates will also be posted to the Harvard Emergency page and 866-496-NEWS.” 

Lapp, who supervises the financial, administrative, human resources, campus services, planning and project management, development in Allston, health services, information technology, and diversity functions of the University, repeatedly called out for help to Clover employees before being engulfed by the pack of wild fowl, but the employees did not want to harm the birds, and returned to frying chickpea fritters. 

 

© 2017
Category: