CAMBRIDGE, MA — In an announcement on Wednesday, Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana unveiled new plans to target Unrecognized Single-Blender Social Organizations by proposing a policy which would propel members of such organizations toward the risk of expulsion.

 

Citing a need for the campus to foster greater inclusivity, Khurana explained, “Single-blender groups prevent us from mixing together to create something new. In order to amalgamate the student body into an environment in which every blender identity is welcomed and celebrated, we must first make sure that all students can access multiple blenders.”

 

While many are celebrating Khurana’s proposal as forward-thinking on blender issues, others were stirred. “I think that an important part of the student experience should be freedom of association,” quipped one student. “We should be allowed to associate with as many or as few blenders as we want. If you want to associate with more than one blender, just join a multi-blender group, or go to mixers. Simple as that.” 

 

Many others favored Khurana’s proposal but worried that his support would run out of juice. “I’ve always admired Dean Khurana as a champion of blender equality on campus,” said another student, “But this expulsion policy creates a rotten concoction that perpetuates the exclusion these groups already create."

 

Though Khurana admitted that his new policy would certainly chop up Harvard’s status quo, he once again insisted that it would stir up a more inclusive community. “I’m positive that this policy will go smoothly,” said Khurana. “Hopefully we are moving towards making Harvard a more fruitful experience for all blenders.”