CAMBRIDGE, MA - In addition to checking every single pocket of student backpacks for contraband books, Lamont Securitas guards will now screen students for hidden emotional baggage. The announcement comes as students face additional stress during midterm season and may leave the library with higher than usual amounts of unresolved emotional issues, including crippling self-doubt, intense desire for validation, and GPA envy.
Students caught with hidden emotional baggage face the consequence of a large hug, viewed as both as a measure of comfort and a literal representation of administration overreach into student life.
Within 48 hours of implementation, the policy has already resulted in unintended consequences. “Students are putting some heavy stuff on the table,” commented Lamont bag checker John Berner, motioning toward a pile of broken desks that had collapsed from too much weight.
Others expressed concerns about library wait times. “I haven’t seen lines this long since hundreds of horny freshman descended upon the First Chance Dance,” complained senior Katie Weiss ’17. “Who could have guessed Harvard is filled with people who were told they were special in high school, only to realize in college that they’re only mediocre compared to everybody else?” Upon exiting the library, she was flagged with a moderate to severe case of impostor syndrome.