Food, frozen food. Dirty dishes, plastic knives, cold chowder. These are the conditions that we now must face. Twelve dining halls have rebelled against the administration that paid them, loved them, protected them. We at University Hall have no tolerance for this kind of treachery.

And so this morning at 6 am, a cornucopia containing the only remaining Red Spice Chicken has been placed on the rooftop of the Science Center. It has been decreed that the various houses of Harvard shall offer up, in tribute, one young man and woman to fight to the death in a pageant of honor, courage and sacrifice. Those who manage to survive will serve as a reminder of our generosity and our forgiveness.

It is my sincere belief that a liberal arts education provides all of the tools one needs to succeed in life. Nevertheless, we have also taken the liberty to furnish every house JCR with an array of automatic weapons. Additionally, you may use your Board Plus points to purchase medicine and bandages, which University Health Services will airdrop into the Yard. Dean Khurana has also agreed to provide home-cooked casseroles to those tributes who take the most self-reflective approach to combat.

On a final note, I would like to reiterate that mental health is of the utmost importance in our community. If you, or someone you know, should find the task of being pitted against other students in a ruthless struggle for basic survival to be at all distressing, there are many resources available. And don’t even think about those berries.

We salute your courage and your sacrifice. Happy HUDS Games, and may the odds be ever in your favor.