CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a press conference this morning, Harvard University President Drew Faust announced that “the mumps outbreak plaguing the campus was just a prank this whole time." Faust, notorious for underperforming on April Fool’s Day, went all out this year, trying to come up with a plan that would redeem her for all past years. Faust stepped up to the podium, struggling to contain her jubilance, and managed to say “I got you so good!” before breaking into hysterical laughter for 3 straight minutes in front of a silent press.
Faust went on to reveal that she had personally contaminated HUDS food with strains of the mumps virus at the beginning of the spring semester, commenting that she had “never felt so alive.” According to coworker Dennis Arbiter, Faust was acting “very strangely” in late January and early February, and she could be occasionally seen giggling madly to herself in her office. Even in March, Faust would reportedly interrupt meetings with spouts of laughter before composing herself and apologizing between giggles.
When asked how she wished to respond to those students who have raised complaints about being forced into solitary confinement for weeks, Faust defensively responded that the students were taking the situation too seriously and that they should lighten up, adding “it was just a prank, bro.”
Arbiter mentioned in a conversation with Satire V that Faust has never been good at pranks. Last year, according to Arbiter, Faust moved his stapler from one side of his desk to the other. Arbiter reportedly did not notice until Faust gleefully pointed it out to him the next day. “We all told her she was bad at pranks,” commented Arbiter. “She probably wanted to make up for all the years of bad ones.”
Paul Barreira, Director of HUHS, was “in on it all along,” according to Faust. In an interview, Barreira claimed he would sometimes “make up symptoms of mumps just to see what weird conditions people would report having.” Barreira added he “had no actual idea how many students have mumps” and that he simply chose his favorite number in reports to students.
Faust concluded the press conference with a smug grin on her face, triumphantly saying the students “should have seen the looks on their grotesquely swollen faces!”
