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New Harvard Initiative Encourages Professors and Undergraduates to Bond by Half-Assing Title IX Training Together

A professor and students bond over the training.
CAMBRIDGE, MA — A new Harvard initiative will encourage professors and undergraduates to bond by half-assing the University's online Title IX training together. 

Provost Alan M. Garber ’76 and Executive Vice President Katie N. Lapp announced the initiative on Thursday, shortly after informing faculty members that they will be required to complete Harvard's online sexual and gender-based harassment training in the fall.
In his email, Garber stated that the initiative will be an "important step" toward building student-teacher relationships. "But not that kind of student-teacher relationship, which is bad and wrong," he clarified. Participants in the program can expect icebreakers, coloring books, and some whole wheat bagels stolen from the Leverett Dining Hall to facilitate all the bonding. 
The initiative follows a wave of allegations against Government professor Jorge I. Dominguez, whose decades of impropriety would have immediately halted if he had just breezed through a few modules in between forcing himself on colleagues. 

The training will instruct faculty and students how to watch for signs of harassment, find relevant resources, and vigorously press the "Next" button during montages of chipper UC representatives. As part of the initiative, faculty members and undergraduates can team up, assigning one person to Google the responsibilities of OSAPR while the other loads the next episode of Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Those who fail to complete the sexual harassment training will face stern punishment, like a two-sentence email from Title IX coordinator Emily J. Miller. Repercussions for harassment itself will include being named Vice Provost for International Affairs. 

An unnamed Harvard administrator weighed in on the content of these newly curated modules: "With everything that's been going on on campus recently, and all over the United States, it's vital that all Harvard faculty and students understand—" He then received a news alert that NBC had picked up Brooklyn Nine-Nine after FOX's cancellation and quickly ran off. 

At press time, the Harvard Government Department was announcing that it had retroactively signed on as a Denim Day sponsor. 
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