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Oliver Knill Sets Self on Fire, Kills Student During Math 21b Review Session

Science Center C
A routine Math 21b review session got out of hand.

Science Center Hall C—Renowned avant-garde performance artist and part-time professor of mathematics Oliver Knill was rushed to the hospital last night after setting himself on fire during a routine Math 21b review session. It was during Knill's eagerly awaited “Wait, what does this have to do with math again?” segment that tragedy struck, resulting in 3rd-degree polynomial burns and the unfortunate death of a freshman.

Eye witnesses report that the review session began like any other. As students settled into their seats, men dressed in sequined cat suits wheeled in a 10-foot-tall wedding cake, from which a bikini-clad Knill emerged less than a minute later. According to students, Knill strutted around the front of the auditorium lip syncing "Hit Me Baby One More Time" and throwing Toblerones into the cheering crowd.

“After Knill ran out of chocolate and turned on the projector, everyone assumed we were going to start doing math,” said one student (granted anonymity because “Knill told me that snitches get stitches”). “But then the lights turned off, and everything went black.”

When the lights came back on, Knill was nowhere to be found. Security footage shows confused students packing up and heading towards the exits, only to find that the doors had been bolted shut.

Suddenly, a spotlight shown down from the ceiling. “Behold!” Knill shouted as he descended from the rafters with a torch in hand. “You learned the Rank-Nullity Theorem in section. Now feast your eyes on the Dank-Knill Theorem!”

Snapchat footage indicates that Knill became entangled in his harness while lighting the torch. As he tried to wrestle himself free, flames leapt to the front row, where one student perished. According to his pset buddies, his last few seconds were spent playing “Oliver Knill bingo,” a game in which students fill in the check-boxes next to every item on the math review sheet that their section TF failed to mention in class. 

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