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The Only Beautiful Sex is the Handjob I'm Giving to the Crimson Editorial Staff to Publish This Op-Ed

Sex week
A room full of ambulatory wombs learning about consent

by Anti-Sex Week Columnist

Last week, a group of loose females affiliated with a "Harvard Sex Week" organized a series of lurid, avant-garde events designed to teach people about bodily autonomy, mutual respect, and the unseemly free-for-all known as "consent." I'm appalled that the ambulatory wombs in charge of this year’s programming have debased something so intimate and profound as reproductive copulation. That's why I take to these noble pages to say: the only beautiful sex is the handjob I'm giving to the Crimson editorial staff to publish this opinion.

I believe intercourse should not be pre-marital “one-night stands” or “hookups,” but rather the divine and unreserved giving of oneself to another, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and heterosexually. Sex is for procreation, which is why I dedicate myself wholly to the gratuitous generation of patronizing takes  thus elevating the corporeal in this saintly activity, conjoining ourselves in masturbatory matrimony. 

How heavenly and reverent are the moans of these noble journalists, who indiscriminately publish whatever puritanical sludge is forwarded their way as I vigorously jerk their manhoods! How, when they shriek "faster, faster faster," meaning does leap from this divine unity of flesh! A baker’s dozen section kids and a devil's advocate in an indissoluble bond, and procreative of veiled misogyny and condescension, wherein the love shared between the two manifest itself in the miracle of moralizing ejaculation.

Only when we take every aspect of sex seriously and consider it in its proper framing  wanking a board of undergraduates who publish overwrought polemics about hot breakfast  can we recover its natural beauty and value.

 

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