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Outsider UC Ticket Commands Final Clubs To “Go Forth, Multiply, and Replenish the Campus”

Delphic Club
The Delphic Club, in the midst of subduing Linden Street.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Just hours before the polls closed for the 2017 UC Presidential election, things took a supernatural turn when outsider candidates Conor Healy '19 and Parth Thakker '19 stood up simultaneously and, with booming voices that seemed to emanate from the heavens, commanded Harvard’s final clubs to “go forth, multiply, and replenish the campus.”

When asked to clarify why they made this apparently divinely-inspired order, Healy and Thakker quoted a piece of their platform, saying, “If you think final clubs are a problem, we agree. But the problem is that they are in such short supply. The idea of a final club is fundamentally appealing.”

Suddenly, they stood again and, levitating slightly, continued: “Final clubs, fill the campus, and subdue it; and rule over the fish of the Charles and over the birds of the Boston skyline and over every living thing that moves on this campus. Behold, we have given you every room bearing party potential, which is upon the face of this city.”

As soon as the candidates finished speaking, with the utmost conviction and in perfect unison, their eyes stopped fluorescing and they fell, slumped, to the floor. Upon being roused, the pair claimed no recollection of the event, saying that “the central idea of more final clubs is accurate” but “the whole glowing and floating and booming voice shit was definitely not planned.”

At press time, Healy and Thakker looked upon the final clubs, and saw that they were good.

 

© 2017
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