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Report: Dean Khurana Fails Turing Test

"THE MISSION OF HARVARD COLLEGE IS TO EDUCATE THE CITIZENS AND CITIZEN-LEADERS FOR OUR SOCIETY."

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Adding to students' concerns about the humanity of College administrators, a survey conducted by The Harvard Independent has shown that Rakesh Khurana, Dean of Harvard College, was unable to pass the Turing test. 

The test, which assesses a machine’s ability to exhibit intelligent behavior equivalent to that of a human, was performed by hundreds of students who were asked to judge text-based conversations between Dean Khurana and various artificial intelligence engines. A shocking 83% of those surveyed were unable to identify Dean Khurana as the human in the conversation. 

“It started getting fishy when he sent 'CITIZEN_LEADERS' twelve times in a row,” remarked Nora Iyer '20 after observing a conversation between Dean Khurana and an animatronic bear. “I also got tripped up when he referred to Harvard undergraduates as 'HOMEOSTATIC_MASSES_OF_ORGANIC_TISSUE.' Simple mistake, I guess.”

In the comments section of the survey, Luke Jennings '19, a junior in Cabot House, also reported difficulty perceiving Dean Khurana as human even in face-to-face interactions.

"The first time I met him, he said 'FOR _ IN RANGE(5): PRINT(MISSION_OF_THE_COLLEGE)'," stated Jennings. "I was like, fuck, dude, how are you even saying that out loud?"

 At press time, reports indicate that Stephanie Khurana had grown suspicious when Rakesh cooked up some "DELICIOUS_OIL" for dinner.

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