SatireV

Breaking

and entering

Report: Leslie Kirwan Fucking Loves Weather

Leslie Kirwan
This is a person who fucking loves weather.
CAMBRIDGE, MASS.—Reports surfaced this week that Leslie Kirwan, the Dean for Administration and Finance of Harvard University, fucking loves weather.
 
Kirwan's first 17 emails—announcing that the Faculty of Arts and Sciences would have a decision soon about whether they would have a decision soon about whether they would soon be deciding to close operations due to snowfall—merely indicated that she has a passing interest in whatever is coming out of the sky at any given moment.
 
It was Kirwan's 18th email, in which she screamed at the student body "LET'S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES BUT FAS IS RESUMING OPERATIONS WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14," that proved once and for all that Kirwan fucking loves tracking whether the white fluff from the heavens is melting in time for the university to open.
 
"Oh, I've known for a long time that this woman is nuts about weather," said Tim Bowman, Harvard's Executive Dean for Administration and Finance. "It really hit me when she ran through the office banging a spoon against a pot and yelling, 'SNOW DAY SNOW DAY SNOW DAY SNOW DAY.'"
 
Kirwan was initally hestitant to share her passion for meteorology with thousands of people. But after an encouraging text from Katie Lapp, Harvard's Executive Vice President, that read, "girl, these people have no choice but to read your emails," Kirwan hit caps lock and went to town on the subject line.
 
Commented Matthew Cappucci, a weather expert in the Class of 2019, "Honestly, her interest in weather is a bit excessive. Like, take it down a notch, you know?"
 
At press time, Kirwan was drafting an email to the university titled "PUT ON YOUR FUCKING SNOW BOOTS BECAUSE WE'RE GETTING A NOR'EASTER UP IN THIS BITCH."
 
Image credit: MassLive.com
© 2018
Category: