Satire V staff writer Edward Huemeris was hospitalized last week when his attempt to write a witty article turned hazardous. According to his roommate, Roger McKinley, Huemeris was in the midst of formulating a sassy remark when he realized he was unable to retract his tongue from its position, lodged firmly in his right cheek.

"At first we thought it was just Eddy being Eddy, but then we realized from the panic in his eyes that he was actually physically unable to speak unironically. We barely got him help in time," said Mckinley to administrators at UHS.

While health officials were able to save Huemeris's tongue the controversial procedure they used may have lowered the PH of his notoriously acidic wit.

Officials used the occasion to remind students to be cautious in their use of comedy. "We urge students not to use their tongues too strenuously and we are conducting a review of Satire V's policies to ensure this doesn't happen again," the university said in a statement.

Satire V defended its policies by noting that while its members may spend an above average time with their tongues in their cheeks, they also spend less time than average using their tongues for frivolous nonsense like kissing.

There
has been an overall increase in tongue related injuries at Harvard since HUDS instituted its controversial "clean-plate policy" in September.