By: Your Financial Aid Donor

Hello Poor,  

It is I, the magnanimous benefactor upon whom your attendance at this university depends. The leaves have fallen, my family and servants are moving into our November estate, and we have once again reached that stage of the semester where you, my plucky and fate-favored ward, are encouraged to wash my holy feet with tears of gratitude. 

My donation of £200,000 (tax-deductible) cost me very nearly a third of a percent of my total net worth. I understand you are a “Comparative Literature” concentrator, and so this is the closest you will ever get to any significant wealth, sort of selling two kidneys and a child, so let’s not be sparing in the gratitude, hmm?

Tell me about whatever endearing little Midwestern province it is you come from, I am ever so curious. Was it difficult, waking up every morning at the first rooster’s crow to till the local lord’s fields? No, I imagine such things came naturally to one of your station. In a sense, I do envy the simplicity of your quaint and pastoral existence. The joys of honest labor in the fields, cround-funding ointment for the leper colony, and burning as a witch anyone who somehow stumbles into literacy are utterly alien to the enlightened among us.

I must away, as the local Badminton Society is having our annual Gala Luncheon to raise money for humanitarian death squads in Latin America.

Au revoir!

Image Credit: therichest.com