Following a disappointing meeting last week with University President Drew Faust regarding a $250,000 increase in funding for student organizations, a spiritually disillusioned President Gus Mayopoulos has allegedly found renewed hope for humanity and Harvard in the teachings of The Church of the Helix.

Mayopoulos—who has been watching the online social experiment “Twitch Plays Pokémon” twenty-six hours a day since discovering The Stream—surprised friends and constituents alike with his quick turnaround from existential malaise into transcendent bliss.

“I really didn’t know how we were going to bounce back after Drew Faust bit off part of Gus’s chin,” said Sietse Goffard, Vice-President. “The beard covered up the hole in his face, but not the one in his heart. And then Gus found Helix.”

His new faith, Mayopoulos told reporters, took him in earnest when he felt the “soothing, squishy touch of Omanyte encircle my heart.” Since then, the president has redoubled his efforts to increase student funding, and has determined to spread the Good News of the Helix.

“Observe the Fossil,” stated a serene Mayopoulos while preaching Wednesday afternoon, as he hovered shirtless and lotus-legged several inches above the lap of the John Harvard statue. “See it spiral ever inward on itself, returning again and again whence it came. Be joyful, my children, for we have done this cosmic dance before, Faust and I. And so we shall again, round and round, meetings within meetings until at last the Center is reached, and everlasting Funding is achieved.”

When reached for comment, President Faust only stroked the mane of the Eevee curled in her lap, a Fire Stone glinting savagely from the end of the chain round her neck.