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Harvard Shocked, A Little Offended, to Find Yale Took More Money From Eager Parents in Admission Process

CAMBRIDGE, MA.— Dean of Harvard Admissions William R. Fitzsimmons was surprised to note that Yale had been offered more money over the past few admission cycles from overeager parents attempting to bribe their kids into the school than Harvard had. According to eye witnesses, when Dean Fitzsimmons read the Justice Department report, he seemed perplexed and mumbled “$400,000…?” 

Entire Human Race Winces as Sarah Decides to Block with Boyfriend

EARTH - Earlier this week, the entirety of the human species collectively cringed following an announcement from Grays freshman Sarah McKay, in which she revealed her plans to block with her boyfriend of two months, Chris Summers ‘22. “I just think Chris would make a great addition to our group,” she declared, hours before the blocking deadline.

Responses to Sarah’s decision have been coming in from around the globe. In an unprecedented move of unity, the governments of all 193 member states of the UN released a joint statement titled ‘Alright, Who’s Gonna Tell Her?’

QUIZ: Do You Love the Barker Café or Are You Just in Love With the Idea of the Barker Café?

Barker cafe

1. What’s your usual order?

a) Just coffee and maybe a pastry. (Or two, if my TF has torn apart my writing yet again.) 

b) It depends on what I’m reading: on Nietzsche days it’ll be a ristretto (that’s un café serré to those unfamiliar with Italian) but if I’m reading someone more decadent — Baudelaire for example — then perhaps I’d pair my scholarship with a half Allen Likes it Grilled and a soy milk London Fog. 

c) ill eat whatever table scraps the students feed me

2. What brings you to the Barker Café?

Winter Weather Update: FAS Open During Apocalypse

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,
 
Harvard University has been closely monitoring the progress of the winter weather event that is expected to arrive later tonight. We are expecting 2-4 inches of snow, and a more difficult than usual commute.
 
The University will remain open for normal operations tomorrow.
 
Make sure to check the Harvard Emergency page for updates.
 
9:22pm:
 

Area Student Only Experiences Passing of Time Through Expiration of “Remember Me for 30 Days” on Two-Step Verification

CAMBRIDGE, MA — As the overcast weeks of just-below freezing temperatures begin to blur together, area student Joseph Peterson ’20 realized that he only experiences the passing of time through the expiration of Harvard Key Login’s “Remember Me for 30 Days” option for Two-Step Verification.
 

Hahvahd Tours Add Stop at CAMHS in Pursuit of Authenticity

The hat-wearing, backwards-walking, Boston-accent-affecting minds behind the Hahvahd Tours have updated their route to include a stop at Counseling and Mental Health Services, aiming to more accurately represent student life at Harvard.
 

Plagiarism or Not? Incriminating Passages from Jill Abramson's New Book

honor code

Former New York Times executive editor and current Harvard professor Jill Abramson has been accused of plagiarism by multiple sources for passages in her new book, Merchants of Truth. Here are some of the passages in question:

LEAKED: CS124 Programming Problem

After getting totally shafted at your Google interview, you decided to enroll in CS 124, Data Structures and Algorithms. But surprise, surprise, you are woefully unprepared! Now your only hope is to mooch pset answers off of your more knowledgeable classmates.

Luckily, you have N friends in the class. But don’t get your hopes up yet. Only M of your friends have the mathematical maturity to finish the pset, and only K of your friends can program in one of C, C++, Java, OCaml, or Python. You, of course, can do neither.

Kanye Got Kenny G for Kim So Here’s my Blockmate Playing the Piccolo in Lamont Café


I saw Kanye’s epic gift for Kim this Valentine’s day and it really inspired me. I feel like I am the Kanye of Harvard’s class of 2021. Though I am a white male from Scarsdale, New York who wears khaki pants with sneakers and socks that go up uncomfortably high, I just feel the spirit of the rap god Yeezy flow through me. This makes you my Kim, even though you technically haven’t agreed to be my girlfriend and we’ve only hooked up twice. Kim and Kanye had a similar beginning, I believe. 

Harvard Square Unveils Trendy, Affordable New Restaurant: Tiffany Diamonds

Following pleas for more accessible eateries in Harvard Square, the Cambridge Planning Board announced this Thursday the opening of a new restaurant all Harvard students can afford: Tiffany & Co.

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