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Friend Who Worked with Kids Now Says "I'll Wait"

He's waiting.
CAMBRIDGE, MA  – Leverett House sophomore Nathan A. Dunham '20, who spent the summer teaching Boston-area children, now says "I'll wait" whenever he feels his friends are interrupting him.
 
Dunham was eating dinner Thursday night when his blockmate Jessica P. Menendez '20 suddenly interrupted him. According to witnesses, Dunham adopted a stern countenance, stood up from his seat, and declared, "I'll wait."
 

Harvard College Introduces New Gennifer Education Requirements

On Wednesday, the Faculty of Arts and Sciences voted unanimously to introduce a new set of Gennifer education requirements to the college. Starting in the 2018-19 academic year, students in the college will be expected to take at least one course in the Gennifer Studies department.

All Courses are to be taught by Gennifer Edwards ‘19, a junior in Leverett studying Economics.

Example departmental courses include GS100: Gennifer’s Celebrity Crushes, GS171: Movies that I, Gennifer, would Bring on a Desert Island, and GS14: Introduction to Gennifer’s Odyssey Online Articles.

I Want to Be Hit by a Bus, but I’ll Be Damned If It’s the Mather Shuttle

If you are a Harvard student, odds are that at some point you have contemplated the benefits of being hit by a bus. Time off, an extension on class assignments, and, of course, bragging rights. It can’t get any better! 

Picture this: You’re late (again) to your 10:00 am lecture in the Science Center and just as you’re crossing Mass Ave—POW—the 10:08 bus to Somerville clocks you right in the kisser. How great does that sound?

Student Blows Through All Two Sports Facts He Knows 30 Seconds Into Conversation

Two people talking.

LOWELL DINING HALL — Alex C. Smith '19 found himself at a loss on Wednesday after using up the only two sports facts he knows roughly 30 seconds into dinnertime small talk.

The painful conversation began when Lisa H. Jenkins '18 asked Smith, her former section acquaintance, whether he had caught the big game as the two waited for their grill orders.

“How ’bout those Packers, am I right?” he replied, relying on fact number one. “17-9 against the Seahawks is no easy feat.”

Report: 80% of Students Half-Assed Title IX Training During Lecture

Cambridge MA – A report has found that a majority of Harvard students last week decided to complete their Title IX online training in the middle of their early morning classes. Classrooms all over campus were filled with brightly lit laptops displaying a scenic Harvard Yard backdrop overlaid with tips about how to access various resources related to sexual assault and harassment on campus, as students half-paid attention.

Harvard Replaces Academic Advisors with Bots that Text Students “You’re doing SO good, sweetie” Every Three Seconds

Citing recent findings that Harvard students are needy little bitches, Harvard officials declared this morning that the University will replace all academic advisors with messenger bots that text students “You’re doing SO good, sweetie” every three seconds. 

The decision occurred after the release of this year’s Crimson survey, which revealed that 89% of undergraduates have a dire need for unconditional affirmation.  

Feminist Win! Hasty Pudding to Let Woman of the Year Operate Lights at Man of the Year Ceremony

A lighting structure.

Talk about progress! Today the all-male Hasty Pudding, the nation's oldest theater company, announced that it will let next year's Woman of the Year operate the lights during its annual Man of the Year ceremony.

Now that's a WIN! Am I right, ladies?

Hasty Pudding Diversifies Production with First-Ever Animal Cast Members

A tiger in Farkas Hall.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – On Saturday, the executive board members of the Hasty Pudding Theatricals officially announced their decision to allow animals to audition for this year’s production of “Noah’s (F)Ark(as).”

Dance, Monkey, Dance

By Your Campus Recruiter

Ah, recruiting season. I’ll let you all in on a little secret: this is my favorite time of the year. I know how much students hate recruiting season. But I’ll be honest, it’s just so much fun for a campus recruiter like me. Sure, I had to go through this song and dance once upon a time, but now I get to be the puppet master!

Mankiw Enrolls in Expos 40 to Overcome Fear of Public Speaking

Cambridge, MA – Harvard professor and conservative economist N. Gregory Mankiw announced via his blog, Greg Mankiw’s Blog, that he will be enrolling in Expos 40: Public Speaking Practicum to overcome his fear of public speaking.

Throughout decades of serving as course head for Economics 10a and 10b, students frequently reported that Mankiw could not deliver an entire lecture without fleeing the stage in distress, forcing a guest lecturer to speak in his place.

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