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Harvard

It’s Great that HUPD’s Urgent Line is Down and HUHS is Closed Because I’ve Always Wanted to Experience the Purge

the purge

CAMBRIDGE, MA- It’s finally happening. Harvard is descending into a state of lawlessness like we’ve never seen before. Sure, we’ve challenged a few authorities, removed some house deans, and protested against President Bacow. But all of these courses of action fall squarely in the realm of civil disobedience. Key word: civil.  

I Comped the Harvard A Capella Groups So You Don’t Have To, and It’s Nothing Like “Pitch Perfect”

an a capella group peforms.

Have you ever wanted to participate in a uber mysterious impromptu a capella competition that takes place at an undisclosed location at the bottom of an empty pool? Or maybe, compete against zany characters in a nationally recognized a capella television show? Do you want your best friend to be Ben Platt? If you answered yes to any of these questions, you’re out of luck, because Harvard’s a capella groups don’t include any of these things. You are thinking about the movie “Pitch Perfect.” A movie which is fucking awesome.

DHalls Hate Him! This Student Lost Half His Body Weight Eating Only FlyBy

 

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Area student Jackson Jones ‘19 reported losing a jaw-dropping 153-pounds after the new class schedule forced him to survive only on FlyBy sandwiches.

 

When asked for the source of his success, Jones said, “Well, before the new schedule I could eat a balanced meal in my hour lunch breaks, but with just fifteen minutes for lunch on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, the burden of full stomachs became a thing of the past!”

Exhausted and Confused Student Finally Completes “1000 Shabbat: One Man, 1000 Shabbats”

After eating his 1000th challah, blessing his 1000th cup of wine, and lighting his 2000th candle, David Schneiderman finally completed 1000 consecutive Shabbats, each one held directly after the other.

In what has turned out to be a simple mix-up-switcheroo, Schneiderman mistook the banner for annual thousand-person campus event “Shabbat 1000” to read “1000 Shabbat.” As Schneiderman explained, this led him to believe the name implied the tagline “One man, 1000 Shabbats.”

Area Comedy God Cites Sex as Reason for Payment on Venmo

Thumbs up guy

BOSTON, MA—This week local comedian Andy Romano cited sex as the reason for his payment to Will Brady on Venmo. Though in reality Romano was paying Brady back for an uber ride and ahi tuna poke bowl, he saw the perfect opportunity to be absolutely fucking hilarious. 

 

Resource Efficiency Program Installs Turbines Run on Pent Up Sexual Energy

Wind turbines powered by sexual energy.
Last month, in a quest to generate clean energy, the Resource Efficiency Program set up turbines run entirely on surplus sexual energy. A tremendous success, the project powers not only all of Harvard University, but the entire Boston metropolitan area.
 
Sarah Walsh, a physics concentrator in Winthrop responsible for most of Somerville’s electricity, supports the project. “Whenever I see that long-haired, Australian, heavyweight rower who has a girlfriend, I feel proud knowing that because of me, streetlights shine a little brighter,” Walsh said.
 

I Have an Unexpected 6 Minutes of Free Time and I Don’t Know What to Do with Them

Woman stares longingly out window

It’s a cold brisk Tuesday in Boston. I walk out of class with my friends, chuckling at some joke about the failings of American capitalism. I pull out my phone from my back pocket to check the time.

Their voices fade. My vision grows dark and narrow. Dread curls in the pit of my stomach. The best and worst has come to fruition: class let out early, so I have 6 unexpected minutes of free time and I need to decide what to do with them.

New York Freshman Mistakenly Makes Non-New York Friend

CAMBRIDGE, MA – On Tuesday evening, freshmen Rachel Stein ’23 and Jessica Williams ’23 were seen studying in the Smith Campus Center when Williams let slip to Stein that she was not of New York blood. 

As Stein and Williams bonded over their LS1a pset, Williams mentioned to Stein that she was from Nebraska. Williams remembered that Stein immediately seemed to disengage from the conversation and cited a mandatory entryway event she had forgotten about. She then abruptly got up from her seat, grabbed her Pavement latté, and walked hurriedly out the door. 

Area Freshman Wonders if Harvard Social Life Improves or People Just Get Used to Barren, Hellish Wasteland

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Harvard College freshman Adam Renner ‘23, native of Belmont, Massachusetts, wondered aloud if social life on campus ever improves or if all (male) undergrads reach a point in their college experience where they admit defeat and surrender to the cruel, relentless cycle of false hope and misery awaiting them inside the fiery gates of Hell between the hours of 9pm and 3am every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night.

I Asked My Genie to Be Famous, and He Made Me Head of CS50

Dear Harvard,

Look, I always thought being famous was gonna be just like the movies. You know, the cameras, the ladies, the V.I.P clubs, the unlimited La Croix in my town car with tinted windows. That was the lifestyle I’ve dreamt of ever since I was a kid. But I should have known there was gonna be a catch when I rubbed that old, dusty ass teapot at my neighbor’s garage sale and a Genie with a snaggletooth gave me for a wish. 

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