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Freshman Smited After Sparknotes-ing the Bible for Hum 10

On Friday, God threw a bolt of lightning from the heavens and obliterated Bethany A. Silber ’21 as punishment for Sparknotes-ing the Bible for her Humanities Colloquium class.

An ominous voice boomed from the sky moments before Silber was struck as she left Lionel for section. Mower resident Devin P. Hamilton ’21 recalls, “When I first heard the voice, I thought someone was just playing Morgan Freeman’s scenes from Bruce Almighty, but then I realized that it was actually coming from the clouds.”

17 Important Issues No UC Candidate is Talking About

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The UC presidential election is in full swing, but not every important issue is being addressed. Satire V has compiled a definitive list of 17 issues that no UC candidate is talking about:

1) The female orgasm

2) How to get a new napkin out of the dispenser when it’s really filled to the brim

3) Why Jessica won’t answer my calls

4) Why you park on a driveway but drive on a parkway

5) Why?

6) The fact that Courage the Cowardly Dog (1999-2002) was basically Saw for children

QUIZ: Is He Smart, or Just Systematically Advantaged Because of His Socioeconomic Status?

 

How would you describe him?

a)     Determined, attentive, resourceful
b)    “Well-read,” a phrase that has no class connotations at all

What’s his parents highest level of education?

a)    High school or some college
b)    They both have PhDs and can recommend Murakami when he doesn't know what to read next

How did he spend his childhood?

PETA Condemns Students Punching the Owl

An owl getting punched.
CAMBRIDGE, MA – Responding to recent controversy on the university’s campus, animal rights advocacy organization PETA publicly condemned Harvard students for punching the Owl.
 

Area Man Disappointed to Discover Lies Feminist Tell Event Isn't Just List of Times Women Have Told Him They're Not Interested

Local man Matthew Jackson, 22, was reportedly disappointed to discover “Lies Feminists Tell” event was not just a list of all the times women have told him they’re not interested.

When he originally heard of the event, he decided that the title alone was enough to pique his interest. “I’ve always known these so-called feminists weren’t telling me the whole truth,” he disclosed. “Now I can finally get proof that when Emma said she ‘just didn’t see me in a romantic way,’ and ‘was too busy with classes to look for anything serious’ she was just lying through her damn teeth.”

Khurana Shakes Up Single Blender Social Organizations

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In an announcement on Wednesday, Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana unveiled new plans to target Unrecognized Single-Blender Social Organizations by proposing a policy which would propel members of such organizations toward the risk of expulsion.
 

Area Asshole Sets World Record for Time Spent Filling Up Water Bottle

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a shocking turn of events, area asshole Devon R. Johnson '19 set a new world record of seven minutes and forty-six seconds on Tuesday for time spent filling up his 64oz Wide Mouth Hydro Flask water bottle at the water bottle filler in the Barker Center.

Making sure to fully appreciate every single ounce of water, Johnson ensured that his bottle was filled to the very top of its stainless steel lid, waiting for the stream of water from the filler that was slower than Johnson’s leisurely walks through the Yard.

Report: Dean Khurana Fails Turing Test

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Adding to students' concerns about the humanity of College administrators, a survey conducted by The Harvard Independent has shown that Rakesh Khurana, Dean of Harvard College, was unable to pass the Turing test. 

7 Ways to TOTALLY Convince Your Peers You’re a REAL Math Concentrator

1) Almost done with your homework, but feel like it lacks some mathematical oomph? Spice it up by starting every problem with “Consider the case generically where the result trivially holds and consider by noting that the note of triviality follows trivially.” Your professor will NEVER guess that you struggle with imposter syndrome every night!

Driver’s License Still Has No Crimson Cash on Fourth Swipe

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Dazed Quincy House senior Matthew Bradley '18 expressed surprise and disappointment tonight as, for the fourth consecutive time, his driver's license failed to register any stored Crimson cash when swiped it in a vending machine.
 

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