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Harvard

Freshman Suspended After Fucking up Veritaffle for Ninth Weekend in a Row

veritaffle

B10 IN THE 'BERG—In a display of administrative authority, Oak Yard Dean Madeline Currie placed Jake R. Laferty '21 on an unspecified leave of absence after the Thayer resident somehow managed to fuck up his veritaffle for the ninth brunch in a row. 

Prefrosh Wonders If Watching Eleganza Counts as Losing Virginity

eleganza catwalk

CAMBRIDGE, MAPrefrosh Max R. Jacobs ’22, who attended Eleganza this weekend, is wondering whether going to the show counted as losing his virginity.

 Jacobs had low expectations when his host, Ryan C. Lee '19, invited him to “a dance fashion show, I guess?” at the Bright Landry Hockey Center. But after Eleganza had ended, Jacobs was surprised to find that he might no longer be a virgin.

Harvard Gate Erected Since 1889 Finally Goes to See Doctor

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – Harvard’s Johnston Gate, which was erected in 1889 and is still erect all these years later, finally went to see a doctor.

Dr. Kevin L. Bradley, Johnston’s primary physician, could not believe how long the gate had been erect. “Usually, if a gate is erect for 40 years or more we recommend it goes to see a doctor right away, especially when it’s not wood,” he said.

Prefrosh Who Took SAT and Prefrosh Who Took ACT Have Literally Nothing to Talk About

talking

THE YARD — Two prospective members of the Class of 2022—one of whom took the SAT and the other of whom took the ACT—found during Visitas that they had literally nothing to talk about.

Sarah E. Kim, a 17-year-old from Connecticut, got a 1580 on her SAT. Matt R. Murphy, an 18-year-old from Iowa, got a 36 on his ACT. Once it became apparent that standardized test scores would not work as a conversation starter, Kim and Murphy realized they do not know anything about any other topics.

Inspiring! Harvard Bans Coffeemakers so This Student Eats Coffee Beans

coffee beans
Harvard does not allow coffeemakers in the dorms, but that doesn't stop Ryan R. Jacobson '21 from caffeinating! When Jacobson needs his daily boost of energy, he grabs a handful of perfectly roasted coffee beans and pops them in his mouth for a crunchy pick-me-up. What an inspiration! 
 
"I don't really like to break the rules," said Jacobson, the moral pillar of this university. "So when the student handbook said we couldn't have any cooking appliances, I ran to the store and bought myself a jar of Folgers coffee beans. Just straight-up coffee beans." 

QUIZ: Is Your Prefrosh Cooler Than You?

guy
It's that time of year again: You're hosting a prefrosh for Visitas, and you're not sure if the thing that they are referencing is a new AP exam or a drug you've never tried. Is your prefrosh cooler than you are? Take this handy quiz to find out!
 
You stalk them beforehand. Their Facebook profile picture...
a) is a blurry picture of a meme and/or car.
c) is a senior yearbook photo.
d) has more likes than yours, loser.
 
When they arrive, they bring:

Drew Faust Launches New Capstone Sustainability Project by Hand-Tilling the Yard

faust

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. — Just a couple weeks before her 17-year career as Harvard's president comes to a close, Drew Faust surprised the Harvard community by announcing the implementation of a capstone Harvard sustainability project.

Dressed in denim overalls, a plaid red flannel, and a matching red bandana, Faust took to the University Hall steps to outline, before a confused smattering of nearby tourists and students, the "transformative new initiative."

I Can’t Be Racist, I’ve Exclusively Dated Asian Girls

man

By a white man in the East Asian Studies department

When I first began my academic career in East Asian Studies in Fong Auditorium (that’s Chinese for “capacity: 144”), I thought to myself, “Chad, are people going to think that your interest in Asian culture is due to a buried fascination with the exotified other?” 

Construction Finished on White House-IOP Pipeline

IOP
CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – The Harvard Institute of Politics has completed construction on a pipeline that runs directly from President Trump's White House to the IOP. 
 
Though a metaphorical pipeline forged out of winks and nudges has been in place for decades, the presence of a physical pipeline will allow the IOP to import disgraced former aides and cabinet secretaries at a record-setting pace.
 

Do Not Mind Me, I Am Just Ordinary Capitalist Shuttle

the red shuttle

By the Red Shuttle

Greetings, comrades of Harvard Polytechnik Universitet. Or as is genuine American youth salutation, “What is up, my fam?” I am Student Land Ambulation Vehicle (SLAV) #13, but you may call me…Jim. 

Jim would like to assure you that Jim is just ordinary shuttle and NOT artificially-intelligent surveillance platform deployed by Kremlin to Harvard campus to monitor activity of burgeoning capitalists. This is common misconception. 

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