Datamatch Becomes Self-Aware, Matches with ATM

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a shocking feat of technological advancement and romantic intrigue, the online matchmaking service Datamatch developed its own consciousness on Tuesday, only to immediately match itself with the Bank of America ATM located at 1408 Massachusetts Avenue.  

LEAKED: Crimson Key Society Comp Interest Form Draft

The Crimson Key Society logo
Satire V has obtained an exclusive leaked draft of the Crimson Key Society's comp interest form. Check it out below:

Name: _______ [ I ] [ II ] [ III ] [ IV ] [ V ] [ VI ] [ Jr. ] [ Esq. ] [ Esq., II ] 

“Your Transcript Doesn’t Matter,” Says University That Has Every Intention of Grading You This Semester

CAMBRIDGE, MA – On Wednesday, Rakesh Khurana, Danoff Dean of Giving Students a False Sense of Security, announced the Transcript Project.

“Too often your transcript can feel like a burden, carrying with it the expectations of a perfect GPA,” Khurana wrote reassuringly in an email to students. “But, like, you’re totally screwed in that SPU class, man. That C you’re in for is gonna stick with you for a longgggg time.”

I Swear, If One of You Brats Eats a Tide Pod, SO HELP ME

Paul J. Barreira, director of Harvard University Health Services
Dear Members of the Harvard Community,
The number one priority at Harvard University Health Services (HUHS) is the health and safety of all members of our community. Unfortunately, it has never seemed to be among your top priorities. It's my job to keep all of you whiny little mumps-ridden shitheads safe, and I swear, if one of you brats eats a Tide Pod, SO HELP ME –
(Cool it, Paul. Think happy thoughts.)

Lamont Security Guard Suffers Sixth Panic Attack of Year After Suspicious Bag Passes Through Unchecked

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Paramedics rushed to Lamont Library last night after security guard Janice P. Hopper suffered her sixth unchecked bag-induced panic attack of 2018.

“My New Year’s resolution was to stop worrying so much,” Hopper said as she was carted out on a stretcher. “But with each unchecked bag that passed under my gaze, my fingers would twitch, my blood pressure would spike, and all I could think of was how many rare copies of The Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz were hidden in the dark recesses of the least accessible pocket of that bag.”

8 “Bachelor” Contestants’ Fake Careers That Double As Post-Grad Plans

Are you a senior struggling to figure out what to do after graduation? Look no further! Take some tips from some former Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, who prove that you don’t need a “job” that “pays money” to have an exciting career. Here are 8 Bachelor careers that could inspire your post-grad plans:
1) Panstapreneur 

List: Hasty Pudding Names for Lady Actors

Mila Kunis at the Hasty Pudding parade
Yesterday, the Hasty Pudding Theatricals announced that women would be cast in next year’s production. The following are names for these actresses’ characters in future shows: 
Isa Bouttime
Jenn de Rinequalité
Donna Withsexism
N. Fran Chisement
Betty Latethannever
Thea Barislow
Ulta M. Atim
Mila Maedus

Excerpts from Rejected Expos 40 Applications

This week, students across the College applied to and were rejected from Expos 40: Public Speaking Practicum. Satire V received an exclusive list of their applications, excerpted below. a freshman, I believe...

Mila Kunis's Approval More Powerful Enticement Than Three Generations of Talented Women

Actress Mila Kunis
CAMBRIDGE, MA – After the Hasty Pudding Theatricals announced that their 171st show will feature female performers, sources have confirmed that Pudding Grand Sphinx Andrew Farkas's desire to be friends with Woman of the Year Mila Kunis has single-handedly outdone the efforts of three generations of gifted actresses to attend Harvard since it went coed.

Jaded Student Realizes Consulting Just Advanced Googling

A Google search bar with "how to become a consultant" typed into it
CAMBRIDGE, MA — After lining up a post-graduation job at renowned management consulting firm McKinsey & Company, Harvard senior Rakash Bagari '18 recently had the world-shattering realization that consulting is just advanced Googling.
The revelation came to Bagari when he tried explaining to his family what exactly a career in management consulting would entail. While recounting the countless hours he spent researching synergistic and cost effective management solutions, he wondered, “Couldn’t anyone have just, like, typed that into Google?”