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Fourth Classes Tired of Being Called “Easy”

After a series of vicious rumors swept Harvard’s campus during the Fall 2017 shopping period, fourth classes have banded together to declare that they are not, in fact, “easy As.” GenEds of all distribution requirements have stated that they are fed up with the broad generalizations students make about them. In a written statement, the fourth classes said that they wish to increase awareness as to the harmfulness of the stigma.

Harvard Reacts: Controversy over Admissions Practices

Widener Library

Recently, the Justice Department announced that it will investigate Harvard's admissions practices, and now the university has come under public scrutiny:

"Admission should be based on one factor: How many 501c3s have you founded?"
        –Alex R. Watson ’20, Founder of Kids Taking on Chlamydia

The Tragicall Historie of President Faustus

By Christopher Marlowe

Christopher Marlowe's classic 1588 tragedy, President Faustus, remains a landmark work of Renaissance literature. Telling the story of a brilliant but hubristic academic who sells her soul to the devil in return for 10 years of unlimited power, it has enchanted ExxonMobil CEOs and SEAS faculty alike for centuries. Satire V is proud to present Marlowe's original draft of the iconic last soliloquy.

Ah, Faustus,

Now hast thou but one bare year to be president,

And then thou must be damn'd perpetually!

Hair in Shower Drain a Fascinating Glimpse of Summer Housing's Ancient Inhabitants

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Earlier this week, archaeologists announced the groundbreaking discovery of a clump of hair in the shower drain of Hampden 42, offering fascinating insights into the long-dead civilization that reigned there before Move-Out Day.
 

Inactive Club Member Makes Grand Return to Scattered Applause, Forced Smiles

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a move that shocked everyone including himself, after almost four months of inactivity, Harrison Ross '19 was spotted entering a club meeting for the Harvard College Young Leaders in Financial Consulting in Business yesterday at approximately 8:06 pm. Ross’s homecoming was met by a few scattered cheers, many strained faces attempting to show warmth, and one unintelligible scream from the back of the room.

“It was a mistake. I was drunk, and I still love you,” Says Freshman Caught Cheating on CS50

CAMBRIDGE, MA – In a leaked email sent to CS50 after he was called to the Honor Council, Kevin J. Benson ‘20, who cheated on problem sets in the course, wrote: “[Cheating] was a mistake, I was drunk, and I still love you.”

Resume Absolutely Cannot Fit Onto Less Than Four Pages, Freshman Informs Adviser

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Erin H. Miller ’20, a freshman in Thayer, informed her adviser on Monday that she absolutely cannot—under any circumstances—fit her resume onto fewer than four pages.

The showdown occurred when Melissa P. Williams, a lecturer in Economics, suggested that Miller condense her resume to one page as she applies for summer internships.

List: Clubs That Will Merge

HFAC and HCFA: While the Harvard Financial Analysts Club and Harvard College Faith and Action seem to have opposing goals and different visions of society, the OSL has decided that it's working pretty well for the Republican Party, so why not!

Chinese Students Association and the Catholic Students Association (CSA): They share the same acronym, so why not kill two birds with one stone?

Science Center Bathroom Declared As Harvard’s Second Most-Popular Tourist Destination

Cambridge, MA – In its annual report, the Harvard Admissions Office announced that the Science Center bathroom has officially become the second most popular tourist destination at Harvard, citing “high demand” and “visible relief” as top reasons for the shift in rankings.

The Crimson Arts Reviews "Seesaws in the Yard"

What is a seesaw, truly, but a simple metaphor for the fragile ebb and flow of humanity that somehow defines us all? What is a teeter-totter but a subtle allegory for the intricate dance of birth and death that emboldens yet imperils our lives?

These are the issues that Seesaws in the Yard—a flawed but compelling work of outdoor performance art in Harvard Yard—seeks to address. Ultimately, however, the work poses more questions than it resolves.

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