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Area Man with Peanut Allergy is Pissed After Finding Out What “No Nut November” Really Means

Sad Man
Tragedy struck campus Friday afternoon when peanut allergy-sufferer Perry Fox ’21 learned the true meaning of No Nut November shortly after asphyxiating in the cafeteria. 
 
“I thought this month was a movement for abstaining from public distribution of nuts and legumes in food,” he explained while brushing over the hive scars on his arms. However, his naive belief about the holiday being a noble dedication to people like him was soon shattered at the dessert table.
 

I’m Getting More Action in This Cup of Bubble Tea Than You Got in Your Freshman Year

Fruit Fly

By the fruit fly in your common room

Just because you’re in the Fly and I am a fly doesn’t give you the right to try and squash me you absolute piece of entitled human garbage. I was just trying to live my best life in the half empty can of PBR you left in your common room, but noooo I’m not “human” enough to share a space with your majesty. I’m a “pest” and “gross.” Well you know what?! At least I’m getting laid, so who’s laughing now, Brett? 

Area Senior’s Life Back on Track after Realizing Thesis Can Be Crap

Man smiling at computer

On Tuesday, area senior Tyler Stark reportedly regained control of the burning dumpster fire that had until then been his life after coming to the realization that his thesis doesn’t actually need to be good. This revelation came as a pleasant surprise to sources close to Stark, who say he has spent recent months slaving away over the project.

Report: 85% of Classroom to Table Funding Sunk into Single Giant Scone at Tatte

lemon scones

It was reported today that the Classroom to Table program, which recently ran through its budget for a third consecutive year, spent over 85% of its funding on a single giant lemon scone from the Tatte on Massachusetts Avenue. 

Vote ‘NO’ For UC President

By the Satire V Editorial Board

Although it may seem to the casual observer that there has been a lot of voting going on lately, it turns out that we haven’t had quite enough. Even after the midterms, and HoCo elections, and the last season of American Idol, which is apparently still going on, the UC election provides one more chance to make your voice heard, even though someone already won. This is why we strongly encourage you to vote ‘NO’ for UC President.

Being Gothic Isn’t A Phase, Mom.

Memorial Hall

By Memorial Hall

I know you want me to be Georgian or Federal like the other buildings in the yard, but mom, I’m Gothic, and it’s not a phase.

I like my stained glass, streaked tiles, and pointed arches! They’re edgy, mom. Gray Slate is just not me. I like being different. What happened to “the things that are different are what make you special, sweetie”? 

MCB 112's Sean Eddy Sued by Disgruntled Postdoc Jim Moriarty, PhD, for Hostile Work Environment

Professor Sean Eddy at Forum
Cambridge, MA - James Moriarty, PhD, spent seven years perfecting the art of genome-wide transcriptome analysis. Colleagues recognize him as an RNA-Seq expert, a solid amateur golfer, and a leader in Jupyter-Notebook-based scientific inquiry.
 
To direct supervisor and Professor of MCB ("pure Math, statistiCs, and proBability”) Sean Eddy, however, Moriarty “wouldn’t know a p-value if it killed him” and “brings the relative number of high IQ gene transcripts down 100-log-fold TPM in any room he enters.” 
 

Give Us An Enormous Tailgating Space For Harvard-Yale, Or Give Us Death!

Harvard stadium

By the Crimson Editorial Board

Friendship Pecking Order Determined by Narrowing of Sidewalk

Scary sidewalk

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After a harrowing ordeal this past Friday, Timmy R. Simon was devastated to learn that he was the ranked quite low on the friendship pecking order after being forced to walk behind his other four friends as the sidewalk narrowed along Mass Ave.

“One second we were cruising,” Simon recounted, “and then all of a sudden two trash cans and a tree appeared out of nowhere. Almost instantaneously I found myself alone as the rest of the dudes fell into perfect square formation.”

The Only Beautiful Sex is the Handjob I'm Giving to the Crimson Editorial Staff to Publish This Op-Ed

Sex week

by Anti-Sex Week Columnist

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