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Harvard

BREAKING: Student Stops, Says Hello to Acquaintance

talking

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. — Andrew R. Gray '20, walking down Plympton St. after his 10 a.m. lecture in Sever Hall, reportedly stopped and said hello to Samantha P. Gardner '20, an okay friend of one of his blockmates, as she passed by in the other direction.  

Onlookers’ responses to the quick exchange varied, from shock and confusion to wonder and delight. “Huh, I typically just contort my mouth in a bizarre, only partially expressive way when I pass someone I know but don’t really know on the street,” said Sarah E. Johnson '18.

Harvard Math Department Proves They Definitely Aren't Sexist By Counterexample

AUSTINE & CHILTON MCDONNELL COMMON ROOM—In a move that shocked the global mathematics community Thursday evening, the Harvard Department of Mathematics managed to prove that they definitely aren’t sexist by counterexample.

“If we were sexist, we wouldn’t hire any female professors. Since we have hired a female professor, we aren’t sexist. QED,” read an official statement issued by several senior faculty members in the Math Department. “For all the ladies out there, that’s a little tool called the contrapositive.”

Tragic: This Girl Said Hi to Someone at the Science Center Before Realizing They Were Both Going to Dunster

Walking
CAMBRIDGE, MASS. – After saying hi to Larry T. Samuels '18 on the Science Center Plaza today, Lara R. Garcia '18 was struck by the horrible realization that they were both going to Dunster.

Garcia knew that she was doomed moments after she asked, "Where are you headed?" The 13-minute, 0.6-mile walk from the Science Center to Dunster takes roughly 12 minutes longer than the amount of time Samuels and Garcia have ever spent together and is about 0.5 miles farther than the amount of space they have ever walked together.
 

Fraternity Takes “Girls-Only” Too Far, Accidentally Creates Safe Space for Women

CAMBRIDGE, MA – After lamenting the lack of girls at Phi Beta Rho parties, pledge master Michael R. Jones '19 created a girls-only policy so strict that he accidentally created a safe space for women.

The new policy took hold after a Phi Beta Rho business meeting last week, at which Jones discussed his grievances. "None of the brothers have gotten laid in so long," he explained. "A minimum 10:1 girl-to-guy ratio would guarantee at least a couple of chicks willing to overlook our casual misogyny and obvious sense of entitlement.”

Announcing the Unyielding Consolidation of Power

Khurana
Dear Harvard College Students,
 
Today I am writing to announce that we will be integrating the functions of the Freshman Dean's Office, the Office of Student Life, the Office of the Registrar, the Office of the Dean of Harvard College, and various other offices into one larger, and much more powerful, Office of Harvard College. And all of you will tremble at the might of this office.
 

It’s 4:20 O’Clock Somewhere

Dean of Freshmen Tom Dingman
By Thomas A. “Tommy D” Dingman, Dean of Freshmen at Harvard College
 
Dear Harvard students and affiliates,
 

Harvard Classics Add “Department of” to Name to Secure University Funding for Postseason Tournament

court

CAMBRIDGE, MASS. - Desperate for money to cover airfare to the national championships, the Harvard Classics, Harvard's top club basketball team, has decided to add “Department of” to its name in a strategic ploy for university funding.

I Am Tired of Living a Lie

Drew Faust and Tim Cook

By Tim "Drew Gilpin Faust" Cook

Dear Members of the Harvard community,

As you are aware, I am resigning from my role as the president of Harvard University. On June 30, 2018, I will complete my 11th year of service, and the Harvard Campaign will reach its conclusion.

This was a difficult decision, but I think that it was the right one for one simple reason: I am actually also Apple CEO Tim Cook, and my entire life is a lie.

Exposé: Blue Bottle Coffee Does Not Have Any Blue Bottles

a blue bottle

HARVARD SQUARE- The Harvard community was reportedly shocked to learn that—contrary to its name's implication—the newest Harvard Square establishment, Blue Bottle Coffee, does not have any actual blue bottles.

When interviewed, workers at the Plympton Street café did not attempt to hide the flagrant false advertising. “Oh yeah, I guess I’ve never thought about it,” said barista Harriet P. Flannigan.

Bro, You Gotta Punch the Mission Hill Afterschool Program

frat bros in front of PBHA

By the MHASP Punchmaster 

Bro! You gotta punch The Mission Hill Afteschool Program. You will not regret it.

Dawg, I promise if you punch, you will have a sick time. Initiations kind of suck because they lock you in a room for five hours and drone on about how to handle yourself when responsible for six- to eleven-year-old children. But, ma dude, after that you are part of the squad, and the squad is a tribe, and the tribe is a family, and the family is a volunteer organization centered around community youth development in the Mission Hill, Massachusetts, area.

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