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Harvard

CEB Books Area Chainsmoker for Yardfest

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a surprising announcement Sunday, the Harvard College Events Board revealed that they have booked local chainsmoker Jerry R. Fleming ‘17 to perform at this years Yardfest.

This announcement comes after a wave of student dispute surrounding supposed potential picks Carly Rae Jepsen and the Chainsmokers. “We kind of just heard people saying they really wanted chainsmokers, but we only had a few bucks to book someone. So, I called my friend Jerry up from the Advocate and asked him if he’d be down to perform,” said CEB co-chair Andrew Sutton.

Pathetic Failure Proud of A-

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Area screwup Tiffany Park ’19 was reportedly seen smiling after demonstrating her utter worthlessness on her latest exam by receiving a 93. Park’s classmates were stunned by the complete fucking wretch’s ability to maintain a cheerful tone despite her inevitably bleak future.

This The Week I Get My Life Together, Announces Roommate For Eighth Time This Semester

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Reaffirming reports that have circulated since January, Kate Allan '19 announced earlier today that this week would be the one where she "catches up on work and gets [her] life back on track."

Over a hasty Flyby lunch, the sophomore elaborated, "Yeah, these past few days have been absolute hell, but I just need to make to Friday. Then I'll finally have time to do all the club and job search stuff I've been putting off. Oh, wait, I need to finish my pset first. Fuck. The online quiz is due MONDAY?"

Area Student Sends Himself Two-Step Verification Texts to Seem More Popular

CAMBRIDGE, MA--Yesterday at 1:03pm, panic seized socially awkward freshman Jeb Curtis.

A conversation with friends had reached an awkward lull, and as everyone else turned to their phones to read through hundreds of awaiting texts and Snapchats, a forlorn Curtis was left staring blankly into space.

Area Freshman Writes "Get a Girlfriend" Really Small on Semester To-Do List

CAMBRIDGE, MA – After meeting with his Freshman Academic Advisor who told him that goal-setting was a great way to keep track of things that are important for personal success, area freshman Andrew Carlson '20 wrote "get a girlfriend" in very small print on his semester to-do list. After careful consideration, he chose to make the almost incomprehensible etchings just big enough that he would remember to do it, but small enough that nobody would notice it if his notebook fell out of his backpack or if he opened it to the wrong page in class.
 

Harvard to Remain Open Despite Severe Storm of Apathy, Depression

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a controversial statement issued to the Harvard community last night over email, Dean of Administration Leslie Kirwan outlined that, despite an imminent 8-12 percent increase in faculty and administrators pondering the terrifying meaninglessness of life, the university will continue operations as usual.

“As always, the safety of our students, faculty, and staff is paramount,” wrote Kirwan. “I mean, I think so. I don’t know. We’re all going to die anyway.”

Executive Vice President Katie Lapp Trapped Under Leslie Kirwan's Bullshit

CAMBRIDGE, MA--According to a recent email sent out to Harvard's students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped underneath the unbelievable bullshit of FAS Dean of Administration Leslie Kirwan.

 

Area Man Unsure Which Dual-Function Flush Option Best Suits His Needs

CAMBRIDGE, MA - After carefully taking a look at the diagram, local resident Austin E. Shewster was overheard in a Harvard restroom Monday furiously debating which dual-function flush option best suited his needs. Observing the sodden, indeterminate mess he had just expelled, Shewster contemplated whether to pull up or push down on the cheery green germ-protected handle. “Pulling up on the handle (liquid waste) uses a mere 1.1 gallons of water, while pushing down uses 1.6 gallons of precious life-giving fluid”, he muttered anxiously to himself.

New VES Course Actually Just Porn

CAMBRIDGE—A new course introduced this semester from the Visual and Environmental Studies Department is reportedly raising some eyebrows, as well as other unnamed body parts. 

VES 169, “Penetrating the Intersection of Bodily and Visual Media,” aroused major interest during shopping week. The class was completely full on Friday, and has the longest waitlist around, according to sources.

Lampoon Writers Excited for Annual Campus Relevance

The Lampoon "Castle"

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Writers on the staff of the Harvard Lampoon, a local group of mostly sullen white men, expressed excitement Tuesday as they basked in the glow of their annual instance of campus relevance.

"Ordinarily, only weird high schoolers and our families read what we write," said Lampoon President Mark V. Steinbach '17, taking time away from participating in the organized harassment of aspiring writers to speak to reporters. "But when we publish our yearly Crimson parody, woo boy! That's a rush!"

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