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Mental Health Win! CAMHS Releases Haunted Infant Emotional Support Doll to Treat Depression

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Earlier this month Harvard sophomore Alex Mureki decided to take advantage of Harvard’s new counseling and mental health services (CAMHS) by requesting approval for an emotional support animal. Little did Alex know that he would be given the responsibility of an eerily humanoid baby doll that occasionally comes alive at night to whisper tidings into Mureki’s ear.

QUIZ: Is the Service at Gato Rojo Bad or Are You a Huge Fucking Asshole?

You order a black tea and instead are handed a latte, blueberry muffin, and a water bottle that someone left here a few weeks ago. Do you:

A) mutter thanks and avoid eye contact

B) assertively say “this isn’t what I asked for” and watch in glee as the barista’s soul leaves her body 

 

You order a small coffee. What size is your coffee?

A) pretty small, I guess?

B) invisible, to the point where I am unsure if the barista heard me order an espresso and then decided to give me a drop of muddy water in a thimble

 

You Know that Giant Hole in the Yard? Yeah, I Had the Kids Drilling for Oil

by Larry Bacow

Remember that super ugly hole in the ground in the yard? You may have seen the sign marking the hole an “archaeological dig site” but don’t be deceived, fool! I only had that sign there to trick the students into drilling for oil. That’s right. For once, I decided to invest in you, the students, to build me an oil farm. 

Larry Bacow Invests Your Leftover BoardPlus Into The Prison Industrial Complex

CAMBRIDGE, MA- With the 2018-19 academic year drawing to a close, President Larry Bacow announced that undergraduate students’ remaining BoardPlus will be invested in the prison industrial complex—Every penny not spent on soy lattes and muffins will be directed toward the containment and dehumanization of human beings.

I’m Sick (of You)

By Paul J. Barreira, M.D.

Dear Colleagues, 

As we enter the springtime resolving to do better by our world, our communities, our families, and ourselves, I want to share some thoughts with you about how I’m beyond elated to be done with you miserable, unhygienic fucks.

As Tensions Escalate Between Bon Me and Saloniki, SwissBakers Declares its Neutrality

SMITH CAMPUS CENTER — As tensions escalate between the Greek Saloniki and the Vietnamese Bon Me restaurants, SwissBakers has lived up to its name, issuing a declaration of neutrality. With stores around the Square hurrying to pick a side, the Smith Center eatery hopes to remain above the fray, maintaining Swiss bake accounts for all involved. The news comes as a shock to Harvard political analysts, many of whom were surprised to learn that SwissBakers was still in business.

Most Confident Man Alive Eats Full Meal in Class

CAMBRIDGE, MA - As Jason Lennon 20’ committed his usual massacre of 18 hard boiled eggs and a cruciferous vegetable assembly during his 9am lecture on "The Responsibilities of Public Action", the brunch’s miasmic vapor caused Jason to be the most hated person in the room while simultaneously ruining the carpeting in Emerson 210 for the rest of eternity.

Prestigious Harvard Institution Will Photoshop Your Child's College Pictures for JUST $1999.99!!! Here is Our Portfolio

New Site-Specific Show Envisions King Lear in Dumpster Behind Adams

CAMBRIDGE,MA- This Thursday, the Harvard Radcliffe Dramatic Club announced an exciting, experimental addition to its spring Season: a production of King Lear that takes place entirely inside the dumpster behind Claverly Hall. 

Lear is a story about the filthy world of politics,” said director Liam Reynolds. “That’s why in our production, we immerse the audience in a space that confronts them with the filth of human greed, murder, and soggy Domino’s boxes.”

Harvard Admissions En Garde After Fencing Coach’s Scheme Foiled

This past week, allegations surfaced that Harvard fencing coach Peter Brand recruited athletes in a bribing scheme that is sure to leave many people piste off.

“We discussed the pay-off over a meal,” said Jack Burr, the father who sold Brand’s house. “We planned for dinner, but his schedule was tight so we settled for lunge. He told me ‘Mr. Burr, I’ll get your son into Harvard if you sell my house for hundreds of thousands dollars more than it’s worth. It’s a good deal. What do you say...burr?’ I was so excited that I thought I was going to feint.”

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