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Area Section Kids Resort to Memes to Espouse Their Terrible Opinions

Fuck you

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Holed up in dorm rooms to scour their Facebook feeds for any post into which they could insert their unwanted opinions, area section kids have reportedly resorted to using memes to assert their 10th-grade-level views on matters such as racism, classism, capitalism, and free speech.

Here Bygynneth the Book of the Tales of Dean Khurana

Khaucer
Whan that Khurana, with his shoures soote
The droghte of studente lyfe hath perced to the roote
And bathed every undertgradt in swich licour,
Of which vertu engendred is the flour;
Whan Khurana eek with his sweete breeth
Inspired hath in every holt and heeth
The tendre croppes, and the yonge sonne
Hath in the Yarde his halfe cours yronne,
And finale clubbe maken melodye,
That slepen al the nyght with open eye-
(So priketh hem Nature in hir corages);

Lowell House Renovation Designates More Spaces for Common

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Lowell House’s renovation plans reveal that the updated House will include more Common spaces.

Several rooms on Lowell’s proposed blueprint—including a lounge and a theater—are specifically marked off for Common, the 44-year-old rapper and actor.

“The University is really trying to focus student life in the Houses,” said Diana L. Eck, one of Lowell’s Faculty Deans. “And I think the best way to do that is to make sure that we have ample Common spaces. You know he has an Oscar?”

Flyby Investigates: HUDS Catch of the Day

If you've ever been to the dining hall (sometimes called the "d-hall"), you've probably been served "catch of the day." We here at Flyby know you're curious: what kind of fish is in the "catch of the day"? How does HUDS catch these fish? What's the deal with HUDS food, right?

We here at Flyby are curious too, so we decided to investigate: 

Deans' List

Spicy! Harvard has this semester's Deans' List early. Let's see which Deans have made the list it this time...

 

Dean of Freshman Thomas "Tommy Fresh" Dingman

Dean of Harvard College Rakesh Khurana

Dean Thomas

James Dean

Jimmy Dean Breakfast Sausage

Dwayne "The Dean" Johnson

HUDS Five Dean Chili

FAS to Make Section “More Intersectional”

CAMBRIDGE, MA — In response to growing pressure from the administration to maximize inclusivity, a daring new initiative has been announced in the Faculty of Arts and Sciences to make section “more intersectional."

“At the FAS office, we understand that section is one of the most exclusive institutions on campus,” said FAS Dean Michael D. Smith. “Most sections even have a TF in the classroom who won’t let you stay unless you’re on their ‘list.’ How is that really different from the Spee? I, for one, see no difference.”

All Five Suitemates Relieved None of Them Have Actually Read 'Infinite Jest'

GRAYS HALL — Today, five Harvard freshmen roommates breathed a collective sigh of relief upon realizing they could stop pretending they had read David Foster Wallace’s hallmark novel, Infinite Jest.

Each had a copy of the 1,000+ page behemoth prominently placed on their bookshelves, and made sure it was protruding slightly more than the other books. Confiding in each other, the five boys put their copies in storage and retrieved other IJ-related materials.

Inspired By Past 8 Years of GOP Obstruction, Freshman Creates Republican-Only Blocking Group

CAMBRIDGE, MA – As Housing Day approaches, freshmen commonly find themselves struggling to form blocking groups. Not so for Geoffrey Dunkirk ’20, dedicated member of the Harvard College Republicans. In a decision “easier than categorically voting no on a Dem-sponsored bill,” Dunkirk chose to block with seven other like-minded College Republicans on Sunday.

In Defense of the Immigration Ban (First Draft)

Columbus

Due to HCS's public email listservs, Satire V has obtained a first draft of the op-ed "In Defense of the Immigration Ban." 

 

In Defense of Something That Will Never Affect Me 

CEB Books Area Chainsmoker for Yardfest

CAMBRIDGE, MA - In a surprising announcement Sunday, the Harvard College Events Board revealed that they have booked local chainsmoker Jerry R. Fleming ‘17 to perform at this years Yardfest.

This announcement comes after a wave of student dispute surrounding supposed potential picks Carly Rae Jepsen and the Chainsmokers. “We kind of just heard people saying they really wanted chainsmokers, but we only had a few bucks to book someone. So, I called my friend Jerry up from the Advocate and asked him if he’d be down to perform,” said CEB co-chair Andrew Sutton.

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