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Lamont to No Longer Offer Complimentary Checked Bags

A man receiving a complimentary checked bag in the Lamont Cafe

HARVARD YARD – According to reports from sources close to University Operations, Lamont Library will no longer be offering complimentary checked bags upon departure.

Mirroring a nationwide trend, the once-prestigious library in the Yard's southeast corner has decided to do away with a service that has been taken for granted by many, much to the chagrin of frequent studiers.

“I'm Sorry, I Can't, It's Midterm Season,” Says Fetus in Its Second Trimester

WOMB – A local fetus has reportedly offered the excuse “I’m sorry, I can’t, it’s midterm season” for the 89th time during its second trimester.

On Monday, the fetus—Andrea Hughes if it’s a girl, Andrew Hughes if it’s a boy—blew off an invitation from its twin to kick their mother’s bladder until she peed. The fetus apologetically blamed midterm season as it turned away from the twin in the amniotic fluid.

Planet Earth III: The Emergence of Ursa Mankiwus on Parents Weekend

Greg Mankiw as a bear
The following is a preview of Sir David Attenborough's next BBC nature series, Planet Earth III:

They’ll Never Notice Me Stealing Cheese from the Holworthy Kitchen if I Make the Science Center Tent Extra Long

Dear Members of the Harvard Community:

As I approach the end of my tenure as Harvard President, I must confess there is one problem I thought I’d never solve. For years, social norms against robberies from communal fridges have discouraged me from descending down to the basement of Conan O’Brian’s freshman dorm to get the one thing I truly desire: cheddar cheese.

Despair, Sinners: Purgatory Is Actually Room L166 in the IOP

When you die, you will wake up in room L166 in the Institute of Politics. You will not be happy. You will not be sad. You will just be in L166. You will not be seated at the table because your section ran late. Sections always run late in the afterlife.

L116 is, in fact, purgatory. You will be trapped there for several hundred centuries before God determines your eternal fate.

Self-Care Win! This Student Took a Nap After a Long Day of Accomplishing Nothing

In a bold move in support of mental health, Mather senior Thomas Seeber awoke at 11:15 a.m. on Saturday only to go back to sleep 3.5 hours later. Given his lack of commitments for the day, Seeber decided that the best use of his time would be to elongate the period during which he was unconscious.

“I just got up, scrolled through Facebook for a while, went to the dhall for some brunch, and went back to bed,” Seeber said. “You’d be surprised how exhausted you can get after such a short period of time.”

Desperate Senior Girl Decides Sophomores Who Took Gap Years Are Probably Fair Game

Anna H. Smith, a senior in Currier, decided on Sunday that sophomores who took gap years are probably fair game.

“Hey, look, I don’t feel great about this,” Smith said defensively. “It’s just that I already know everyone in my grade, and they are literally all dumpster fires, so I have to get creative.”

Turkey Club Inducts Inaugural Punch Class

CAMBRIDGE, MA —The Turkey Club, Harvard's newest and most feather-ridden final club, inducted its first punch class over the weekend.
The Club, affectionately known as "The Gobb" and located in the general vicinity of Plympton Street, sprung up this fall in response to a growing number of turkeys who have literally nothing to do.

Report: Most Shameful Moment of Life Telling HUDS Worker You Broke Dish

CAMBRIDGE, MA – A new study released by Harvard psychologists indicates that telling a HUDS worker that you broke a dish is unequivocally the most shameful moment of your life.
The study, published in Nature, confirms the basic instincts of just about every student who has ever dropped a plate and had to inform a busy dining hall worker that they have to sweep up broken glass in addition to doing their regular job.

Displaced Winthrop Rats to be Employed at New Winthrop Grille

Rats in the kitchen
CAMBRIDGE, MA – As the newly renovated Winthrop House prepares to open its brand-new Winthrop Grille and Cafe, the House announced that rats displaced by Winthrop's renovation will be staffing it.
The Displaced Rodents Re-Employment Initiative, a new program spearheaded by Resident Dean Linda Chavers, seeks to employ the rats and retrain them in the culinary arts.