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Our Sex Life Should Be Between You, Me, and My Four Roommates

Four girl roomates

In our social media-driven age, people are so used to broadcasting every little activity they do to the entire world. That’s fine, but when it comes to romance and intimacy, the particulars should stay private. Call me old fashioned, but I just think some things aren’t meant to be shared. So if we hook up, you can trust that no one's going to know the graphic details besides you, me, and my four roommates.

Screenwriting 101 Application Now Requires 3-5 Page Screenplay Sample, Two Oscar Nominations, and Letter Proving You Were the First Woman Cast by Hasty Pudding Theatricals

Woman writing in notebook

Harvard’s Introduction to Screenwriting class will now ask applicants to provide a 3-5 screenplay sample, proof of at least two Oscar nominations, and an acceptance letter proving they were the first woman cast to perform for Hasty Pudding Theatricals.

The class’s professor explained that this decision was made so that the class could maintain its intimate, seminar setting.

Leaked Questions on ER 18 Final

Students, welcome to the Fall 2018 final exam for ER 18: Classical Chinese Ethical and Political Theory. We hope that the course has taken you on a spiritual and educational journey down the long-winding roads of Chinese philosophy. We had a record high in lecture attendance, averaging 6% of the 740 total enrollees present per lecture, including 3% of undergrads. It's that passion that keeps me excited to teach you all every year. 
 

Prefrosh Obliterates World Record For Most Fucking Useless Posts In Facebook Group

DECEMBER 15, 2018, CAMBRIDGE, MA - Harvard University President Lawrence Bacow and the Guinness Book of World Records called an emergency press conference this morning to confirm that Arthur Jenkins, an early admit to the Harvard College Class of 2023, had shattered the longstanding record for the most fucking useless posts made by a single individual to a Facebook group.

My Will to Live is Sustained Solely by HUDS Cookie Bars

brownie bars

I’m not an unreasonable person.  I even consider myself an optimist.  I try to see the good in every bad situation, the light at the end of the tunnel.  Which is why, at this point, the entirety of my will to live is riding on the existence of HUDS cookie bars.

Leaked Questions on STAT 110 Final

blitzstein in a batman costume

This exam is closed book and closed notes, except for four standard-normal-sized sheets of paper containing the entire textbook in size 0.1 font. Good luck (an appropriate expression for this course since both can be reduced to a sequence of mathematical formulas, and after watching the lectures for the first time this week you'll need all the luck you can get)! 

Area Student has Strict Bedtime of “I Don’t Give a Shit” O’Clock

Man sleeping in bed

CAMBRIDGE, MA-After rigorous enforcement of the virtual sleep-training, administered by Harvard to teach undergraduates about the sleep they already knew they were missing, Raymond Lambert ’20 has decided to set a strict bedtime of “I Don’t Give a Shit” o’clock. A Harvard College Scholar, joint history and anthropology concentrator, as well as an accomplished violinist, Lambert claims this new bedtime is the secret to his success.

Friend’s Spotify Wrapped Reveals She’s Into Some Kinky Shit

Spotify Wrapped page

 CAMBRIDGE, MA – Katie MacArthur ’22 posted her Spotify Wrapped on Facebook yesterday, only to shock her online following with an unexpectedly erotic taste in music.

“Not surprised at all!!! LOL ” Katie posted alongside a list that claimed her number one song this past year was “How Many Licks?” by Lil’ Kim.   

Stat 110 releases “Joe’s Bikini Body Blitz(stein),” A Probabilistic Conditioning Program for Lean Muscle Mass

Woman in Weight Loss Commercial

Sponsored Content

Stat 110 Productions, best known for its critically-acclaimed Panopto original series “Lecture Videos” (a genre-defying dramedy staring the charismatic Joseph Blitzstein on a life-long quest to determine when the next bus home to Blissville will arrive), recently announced a bold venture into the hottest emerging market of the year: statistics-themed workout regimens.

A Win For Transparency: Harvard To Simplify Application Process, Replacing It With Series Of Riddles Told By Mystical Troll

Bridge troll
Following increased public scrutiny of Harvard’s admissions process, officials from the Harvard Admissions Committee have announced their decision to make significant changes. In an effort to increase transparency, the Committee has elected to phase out the traditional process entirely, and instead have applicants answer a series of increasingly-difficult riddles told to them by an eldritch troll.
 

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