CAMBRIDGE, MA — Writers on the staff of the Harvard Lampoon, a local group of mostly sullen white men, expressed excitement Tuesday as they basked in the glow of their annual instance of campus relevance.

"Ordinarily, only weird high schoolers and our families read what we write," said Lampoon President Mark V. Steinbach '17, taking time away from participating in the organized harassment of aspiring writers to speak to reporters. "But when we publish our yearly Crimson parody, woo boy! That's a rush!"

Is Harvard’s endowment underperforming? That’s the question members of the Harvard Management Company face after years of unsatisfactory growth from its investment appendage. University President Drew Faust repeatedly characterized the endowment as “disappointing.” “We just can’t get off on -2% returns,” remarks Faust.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — After a piercing defeat by Brown, the Harvard fencing team has been foiled once again in what has become a season a(bout) accepting defeat. Though the year started off with a decisive blow against Cornell, Harvard had no time to sabre the victory, quickly losing to Columbia, Duke, and Yale, making their aspirations for an Ivy Championship a feint hope. 

“We’re pretty piste off, honestly,” remarked team captain Kim Pale '17. “We took a good stab at it, but after all the work we put in we came out looking pretty lamé.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Amidst the crowds and craziness of the first week of classes, Trevor Hopper '19 was arrested by Harvard University Police Department for shoplifting ENGLISH 90LV: Consciousness from Austen to Woolf.

Hopper initially aroused the suspicion of the Barker Center security guard after he tried to slink out the front door with Room 114 peeking out seventy feet behind him from beneath his left jacket flap, leaving a trail of flattened and dumbfounded students in his wake.

CAMBRIDGE, MA - Ignoring advice from his PAF and academic adviser, Kendrick Murphy ’20 reportedly enrolled in five friendships when completing his study card on Friday.

“Shopping week was crazy. I had to leave an 11 am lunch date fifteen minutes in to make it to a lifting sesh with Chad Brockington,” remarked Murphy. “It was hard for me to narrow my list down to just five after shopping fifteen people.”

CAMBRIDGE, MA—On January 25^th Dean Rakesh Khurana reaffirmed his unwavering commitment to social progress by announcing his intention to create a committee to help advise the committee that is in charge of creating the committee that will tackle the problem of single gender social organizations (SGSOs) at Harvard. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA — Appearing troubled and downright confused with her discovery, President of Harvard University Drew G. Faust reportedly pulled her assistants aside in panic Tuesday morning to question them about a supposed "undergraduate program" affiliated with Harvard University.

Hello Santa,