Dear Students,

Holiday season is here, and that means I am legally required to do room inspections. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA – According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff of Harvard University, Executive Vice President Katie Lapp is currently trapped under a pile of Ec1017 Bluebooks.

Satire V has obtained exclusive copies of the first drafts of the now notorious emails between an Owl Club undergrad and member of the grad board. It seems both parties heavily edited their content before sending. 

CHICAGO -- A recent observational study has revealed a growing rift between old and young male owls. According to ornithologists at the American Orinthologists' Union (AOU), parliaments of owls are facing some serious divisions.

“We are witnessing prolonged infighting among male owls in a way that has never been documented before,” said Dr. John James, an AOU ornithologist and expert on owl behavior. “Males are attacking each other, and it seems that the division is between older and younger owls.”

Stat 110

At its pinnacle, art deconstructs the fluid fabric of time, elevating experience into a zenith of inescapable infinitude, elucidating the contours of inexpressible minds and wafting a billowing fog of crystallized tears towards the ineffable laughter of a soul slipping into the abyss beneath the dawn. This class is not art.

SLS 20

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A Harvard men’s sports team expressed embarrassment on Friday that it still uses old-fashioned paper files to sexually demean women.

“We need to keep up with the times,” the team wrote in a statement. “We are ashamed that our filing methods are so outdated.”

Cambridge, MA--Though the controversy surrounding the men's soccer and cross-country teams has faded, the Delphic Club has reignited the issue by revealing that they have produced a veritable library's worth of material commenting on women's physical appearances.

I see you coming up with your ID card ready, all excited for the cornucopia of delicious food we’ve prepared for you all. And I can see in your heart, you’re thinking “You know, I hope I’ll be able to eat here at Currier DHall tonight, even though I live in Leverett House.” Well let me tell you, here at Currier DHall we’re inclusive as fuck. Let me swipe that shit right through this machine and let you take your tray, young man.

CAMBRIDGE, MA — The former HUDS Swiper for Eliot house, Maria L. Winston, has just been hired as the new bouncer for the Fly club. Winston, age 43, has been the Eliot house swiper for the past seven years. She described the decision to leave and move to the Fly as “initially difficult, although I’m excited for the opportunity to exclude all sorts of new people."