CAMBRIDGE, MA -- Harvard has announced sweeping changes to the structure of the dean system, including the creation of a new position, “Dean of Deans,” whose job is to provide better oversight and clarity about the role of deans. The responsibility of the new Dean of Deans will entail overseeing the deaning process, managing fundraising, and unilaterally appointing new deans weekly to the Board of Deans.

Dear Harvard College Students,

While this year’s Harvard-Yale Game, presidential election, World Series (Go Tribe!), and countless other things of varying levels of importance didn’t go our way, I hope that each of you enjoyed the festivities and camaraderie of last weekend as much as I did. And let me tell you, Tommy D isn’t the only dean who knows how to party. Cabot tailgate was pretty fucking lit.

In the wake of the scouting report scandal surrounding the Harvard Men's soccer and cross-country teams, Satire V has obtained yet another scouting report, this time from the men's basketball team. We have reproduced an except below:

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- The mumps virus, which drew widespread criticism last spring for primarily infecting members of all-male final clubs, has announced that, in accordance with university sanctions on Single-Gender Social Organizations, it will infect all Harvard students regardless of affiliation during the current outbreak.

Dear Members of the Harvard Community,

The health and safety of all members of the Harvard community is a top priority for everyone at Harvard University Health Services (HUHS). For that reason, I am compelled to ask you: which one of you fuckers isn't washing your hands? Like, what the hell guys? Didn't we get it through your thick skulls last year? YOU HAVE TO WASH YOUR HANDS. OTHERWISE YOU WILL CATCH MUMPS AND DIE!

CAMBRIDGE, MA – Donald J. Trump was elected president of the Undergraduate Council on Friday in a stunning culmination of an explosive, populist and polarizing campaign that took relentless aim at the institutions and long-held ideals of Harvard College student government.

The surprise outcome, defying late polls that showed rival Hillary Clinton with a modest but persistent edge, threatened convulsions throughout campus and indeed the nation, where skeptics had watched with alarm as Mr. Trump’s unvarnished overtures to disillusioned students took hold.

CAMBRIDGE, MA – It’s concentration declaration day, and sophomore Elle Friedman is still just as confused as she was at the academic fair—the VISITAS academic fair, which took place two years ago.  With no other option in sight, this Thursday Friedman declared a thumb war. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA—In a precedented move by the administration, Harvard Provost Alan Garber announced that sanctions will be placed on all students who decide to unionize. “Although the student unions are not formally recognized by the College, they play an unmistakable and growing role in student life, in many cases enacting forms of privilege and exclusion at odds with our deepest values,” Garber announced. “This country was built on free enterprise, and the dangerous precedent set by the recent HUDS strike has given some students the wrong idea about the rights they have.” 

Hi There!

Just another Quincy Penguin selling his Harvard-Yale ticket. I am totally selling it for normal reasons like everyone else, and I am definitely not selling it just because I haven’t seen a fellow human being in 3 days and this is the perfect excuse to exchange awkward smiles.

$70 OBO.... message me if interested. Please. I'll give the money to charity or whatever; I just really need human contact right now. It’s not my fault all my classes are videotaped and I have fused into my dorm-room chair like the crew of The Flying Dutchman.