Dear Members of the Class of 2020:

Having had a chance to talk to a number of you over the past week, it's clear that the election has occupied your hearts and minds. My mind, on the other hand, has been occupied by the ounce of Sour Diesel that I ordered two weeks ago in preparation for Question 4’s inevitable success.  Whatever your political position in this very polarizing time, I think it is important to stop and reflect, and if we join together in some “puff-puff-pass”, we can contribute to our country's healing. 

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- According to a recent email sent out to the students, faculty, and staff, Katie Lapp, Executive Vice President of Harvard University, is currently trapped beneath the Fallen Angels after their annual concert last night in Sanders Theatre.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Spicing up the dullness of on-campus interviewing season, Trevor H. Palomano '18 overestimated the number of golf balls that could fit inside a Boeing 747 jetliner by 8 orders of magnitude, causing his surprised interviewer to spit coffee all over the eager student applicant.

CAMBRIDGE, MA—NBA star Jeremy Lin '10 has announced that his million-dollar donation to Harvard last week will help renovate Lavietes Pavilion, improve financial aid, and create the Linsanity Professorship of Romance Languages and Literatures.

CAMBRIDGE, MA--After three weeks on strike, Harvard University Dining Services is back to work at full capacity today. Many students have expressed their relief that normal dining services have resumed, but Sarah Johnson '18 says she's secretly conflicted about the strike's end.

"On the one hand, I'm glad that the strike is ending and the workers have achieved their goals," Johnson confirmed to reporters. "On the other, I really like the mini-cheesecakes." 

CAMBRIDGE, MA -- A recent poll conducted by The Crimson shows that the creepiest Halloween costume this year according to students is a "Member of the 2012 Harvard Men’s Soccer Team."

As the HUDS workers' strike comes to an end, Satire V has compiled a list of things that didn't last nearly as long:

Cambridge, MA – Following the arrests of 11 Union members last weekend, Harvard Dining Hall Strikers are raising the stakes, quite literally, by setting out stakes for the scalps of the HMC Bourgeoisie and constructing a makeshift guillotine between CVS and CVS.

“We didn’t think, when we put this part in the strike plan, it would ever actually get that far,” Union Leader James Gregson told us. “To be honest, it was kind of suggested as a joke. But we need to show the university we’re serious, and this seemed like the most logical next step.”